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Can Our Pain Be The Greatest Equalizer

5min read
Self

We feel ashamed, even burdened by these incidents. So much so that we try to hide these unpleasant life experiences from others and even go as far as repressing these events from our own memories. The damage of hiding our skeletons in the closet from others prevents us from getting the help we need to move ahead (and also could be quite costly in the future of our careers). And the damage repressing memories causes to our subconscious mind leads us to blocking out any and all other related events in the past.


What this does is it holds us back from being our whole, true selves. It holds us down in our careers, our relationships and from reaching our full potential. Hiding the pain slowly eats away at our souls until we start to feel anxious, depressed and even possibly losing hope for our futures.

When we hide these scars, they take away from our livelihood of who we are and strip us from the potential that lives within us. While some of us try to forget, others hold on to moments and get stuck, unable to move ahead. And each day we slowly wither away.

The Enormous Misconception That We're the Only One to Feel Excruciating Pain

What makes us feel this way is the misconception that we're the only ones who have experienced such traumatic events. Whether it's the loss of a home, a job or even a loved one (or moving in with your inlaws), holding onto that pain by ourselves just causes us to wither away. What we need instead is to know that others have experienced the same thing we have and get the support we need from others to move past it and experience a breakthrough.

There are many ways you could go about sharing these fears. You could attend a talk therapy session to reframe the incidents. You could reflect back upon your life to figure out what has held you back for so long. Or you could share your tragedies with others.

While these are all great options and all three may be the perfect trifecta to help you get past all your limiters you've acquired over the years, I'm only qualified to talk about the latter: sharing your tragedies with others.

Chances are that you're a fan of this publication because of your strong desire to move ahead in life and take ownership of your future. Most people who discuss career advice talk about faking it until you make it, being bold and acting fearless or presenting what may be interpreted as being your perfect self. But what if there was a way you could succeed just by being yourself, without any smoke and mirrors?

Think about what your life would be like. You'd be able to express yourself freely. You wouldn't have to worry about the preconceived fears that probably won't ever manifest. And best of all, you'd be able to connect with the masses.

How do you go about doing that? Before I get into the how, let me share the state of the world we're currently in.

We're One Upping Each Other and the Rippling Effect It's Causing on Society

In my grandparent's generation, people walked down the street and greeted each other. Then in my parent's generation, people decided it was best to keep up with the Jones'. Fast forward to today, everyone is trying to impress upon others just how great their lives are.

We've entered into an airbrushed Instagram culture where nearly every photo has a smile or the person is on vacation and we've collectively decided as a society that it's important to share our very best moments with others. But what has that truly gotten us?

Sure, a few outliers have created success by touting that they are the best. But the majority of us feel like we're just faking who we are. And what's worse is when you're feeling down and about, but see tons of people who look as if they're living their best life yet. When we're feeling down, watching someone succeed doesn't make us feel better; instead it rips away at our self esteem as we feel less worthy of our actions, leading us further into depression.

Don't Share Your Dirty Laundry or Else… or Else What?

If you really take a moment to think about it, it makes perfect sense why depression, anxiety and loneliness are at an all time high. Our culture has taught us that the worst thing we could do is air our dirty laundry. Instead, we need to always act as if everything is going perfectly in our lives. But who could truly live up to those standards?

Not me, I know that for a fact. I once tried to fake it until I made it. All it caused in my life was being unable to pay the electricity bill, getting evicted from my home and almost living on the street (if it weren't for my grandmother saving me) and pushing people further and further away. People would ask me how things were going and I'd lie to them and say it was fine. But it really wasn't.

I was so scared that my friends and strangers would mock me for how far I had fallen. But one incident changed how I felt about everything.

I couldn't lie about the fake successful person I was any longer, so in 2010, I ditched the act for the very first time and told my friend Joshua M. Shelton what had happened. Do you know what he did?

The Surprising Reality of What Happens When You Share Your Skeletons

Well, first off, he didn't mock or ridicule me. Instead, he showed compassion and empathy. He drove with his girlfriend down from Los Angeles to my grandmother's home in Buena Park, picked me up and brought me back up to Los Angeles so we could go salsa dancing. He did everything in his power to show me that it didn't matter what I was experiencing, that he would be there for me as a friend.

That was the first day a seed was planted in my mind that sharing the truth and revealing my whole self would open up the doors to the future.

I didn't know it at the time, but an incident in 2012 when I broke my ankle and was sofa ridden for three months gave me the opportunity to reflect upon my whole life to get a full understanding of why I had fallen so far from grace. In 2013, I ditched the act again, but this time I openly shared all the struggles and hardships I faced in public forums.

Revealing Your Whole Self: Your Secret Weapon for Achieving Your Dreams

That led to my content being read 2 million times within six months and 10 million times by the end of 2014. By the end of 2015, I had more than doubled my income and started a new business. In 2016, I started being recognized as a top marketing influencer by large publications. Then in 2017, I had a horrible breakup that made me question who I was and I fell back down the rabbit hole for a year (yet I still maintained this solid reputation that helped me land large clients, like executives at Fortune 500 companies, venture capitalists and NYT bestselling authors).

I spent 2018 falling in love with my beautiful and amazing wife Angie and our sweetheart chihuahua Roo, while she sacrificed and gave up everything to move away from New York to live with me in Los Angeles. Things couldn't have been any more perfect and we had the most amazing time ever, going to play with horses, hiking up a trail to a waterfall (and getting in it) and getting married on the beaches of Malibu.

But this year I failed her. In February, Angie had an incident at work where she was the victim of misogyny. She left her job on the same day and I wasn't the most supportive husband I could be. Instead of being there for her and comforting her, letting her know that everything would be okay, I panicked and got scared.

How Running Away From Your Fears Strips You Away From Being Your True Self

I began downsizing and desperately asked for help because our household had taken a six figure hit on our income (and in July, sharing my struggles resulted in an extra $17,000 a month in gross income, which proves that ditching the act works wonders for your career). As my wife was never unemployed before, she had begun to lose her sense of identity. For some reason, I wasn't able to be empathetic towards her and let her soul slowly wither away. It wasn't until one day when I was mad at her for skipping out on family therapy that I went to my mother's house instead. While I was there, that's when it hit me.

The reason my wife was so sad and depressed is because she had given up absolutely everything for me and I was too busy freaking out that I wasn't giving her what she needed the most, my love.

Rediscovering Your Core Values and Placing Them Front and Center

I showered her in my love and gave her my entire heart. And uncovered some of the memories that I had repressed, based on some of our traumatic experiences we went through together, which resulted in attacks at each other's character. But when I went back through these experiences that I was fearful of, I was able to take a moment and step into Angie's shoes. I realized that she didn't mean what she said; she was just reacting to what I had said or done. In my mind, I forgave her and let go of the burden, then I cried and asked for her forgiveness.

Something miraculous happened after doing this a few times, with larger and larger issues I had repressed. Once I got to the biggest issue, put myself in her shoes and reframed the incident, all of my memories came soaring back to me. I could clearly remember events in my life that happened year by year, all the way back to my first day at kindergarten.

I wish I could say it was all smooth sailing from there, but prematurely moving into a new home and falling behind on income for about five months (along with many frivolous and costly activities to try and hide from the pain) led us into debt. And that led me to fail my wife again.

I began investing money into fixing all aspects of my business so that we would never be in this situation ever again. Investing so that in a year from now, we could be living a comfortable life from anywhere in the world and so I could make all of Angie's dreams come true. But I didn't fully understand how much my wife supported me and was putting my interests above hers…

When the lease to our apartment ended, we stood in limbo for a while. When I asked Angie if we should stay or go back to my mom's as originally planned, she said we should save money. It didn't occur to me that she was saying what she thought I wanted to hear to get us back on track, but I ended up bringing her into a hostile environment where she is scared to live with my mother.

Overcoming the Shame and Fear of Sharing Your Most Vulnerable Moments

Angie's gone through every single emotion possible and I failed her… I brought her to a place she could even consider to be prison… And it's eating away at her soul…

It breaks my heart so much to see her so sad… And I'm going to do everything in my power to bring that smile back to her beautiful face…

I'm currently modifying plans so we can get out of here as soon as possible… But this time, to our dream home; one with a southern exposure, large windows and a bright interior full of sunshine. Not to mention, enough space for us to have a baby and raise a child.

I don't know if Angie could ever forgive me for what I have done by causing us to fall into this mess to begin with, but I'm fighting with all my might to do my husbandly duties: to love Angie with all my heart and provide her with shelter and a sense of security. Angie, if you're reading this, I might not know how to express it, but I love you from the bottom of my heart and I promise you that I'm doing everything in my power to get us out of this scenario and we will be out of it soon, so we can share smiles and laughter filled with joy as soon as possible.

Gathering the Courage to Share and Manifesting Your New Reality

It may not seem like it because my family is still knee deep in a struggle (which I hope to solve in three months), but if I never ditched the act and revealed my whole self, I would probably still be earning $30,000 a year, lacking true friends and still being single. Revealing your whole self really is what drives true connection with others and propels your life forward (and all my shortcomings are from when I've forgotten to do what I'm best at).

If you've ever struggled in any way similarly to any of my personal experiences, I urge you to go out there and share your struggles openly and publicly. You're probably under predicting how many others have experienced something similar. On top of that, you may never know who may help you out of your situation because they need something you offer, as others have time and time again for me (for which I'm forever grateful). Or they may even tap you on the shoulder and offer you something you may never have known was possible, like many of the things I've been able to do.

I never knew I'd meet Angie, the love of my life, even though I've yearned to meet her since probably before I was a teenager. I never knew I'd write Ditch the Act: Reveal the Surprising Power of the Real You for Greater Success with McGraw-Hill Business. I never knew that I'd be a product CMO for ZeU Crypto Networks. I never knew I'd start a marketing agency or have courses teaching others how to build their personal brand. I never knew that I'd get a job at an academic medical center. I never knew I'd have a business where I'd land six figure clients. I never knew I'd be featured in publications over 300 times or even show up on TV. I never knew I'd even get 10 million reads on my content, let alone 100. But it all happened because I ditched the act and revealed my whole self and I'm sure it will for you too.

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I hope that you can wish the best for my family in finding a home before it's too late for us. And I wish you the best in your life and career, because I know from the bottom of my heart, that there are large things in store for you as well. I wrote Ditch the Act because I wanted to share with you exactly how you can move ahead in your life, by revealing your whole self. In the book, you will find much more than personal stories from people like myself, Iman Oubou, Winnie Sun, Aaron Orendorff, Mark Metry and a handful of others who have ditched the act. And there's so much more than research as to why you should lead you life showcasing your skeletons. You will discover five levels of exposure, an exposure resume and an eight-step process that will walk you through exactly what you need to do to reveal your whole self to build camaraderie with others, create your own network of trust and lead you down the road to stack your success.
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5min read
Health

Patriarchy Stress Disorder is A Real Thing and this Psychologist Is Helping Women Overcome It

For decades, women have been unknowingly suffering from PSD and intergenerational trauma, but now Dr. Valerie Rein wants women to reclaim their power through mind, body and healing tools.


As women, no matter how many accomplishments we have or how successful we look on the outside, we all occasionally hear that nagging internal voice telling us to do more. We criticize ourselves more than anyone else and then throw ourselves into the never-ending cycle of self-care, all in effort to save ourselves from crashing into this invisible internal wall. According to psychologist, entrepreneur and author, Dr. Valerie Rein, these feelings are not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you— but chances are you definitely suffering from Patriarchy Stress Disorder.


Patriarchy Stress Disorder (PSD) is defined as the collective inherited trauma of oppression that forms an invisible inner barrier to women's happiness and fulfillment. The term was coined by Rein who discovered a missing link between trauma and the effects that patriarchal power structures have had on certain groups of people all throughout history up until the present day. Her life experience, in addition to research, have led Rein to develop a deeper understanding of the ways in which men and women are experiencing symptoms of trauma and stress that have been genetically passed down from previously oppressed generations.

What makes the discovery of this disorder significant is that it provides women with an answer to the stresses and trauma we feel but cannot explain or overcome. After being admitted to the ER with stroke-like symptoms one afternoon, when Rein noticed the left side of her body and face going numb, she was baffled to learn from her doctors that the results of her tests revealed that her stroke-like symptoms were caused by stress. Rein was then left to figure out what exactly she did for her clients in order for them to be able to step into the fullness of themselves that she was unable to do for herself. "What started seeping through the tears was the realization that I checked all the boxes that society told me I needed to feel happy and fulfilled, but I didn't feel happy or fulfilled and I didn't feel unhappy either. I didn't feel much of anything at all, not even stress," she stated.

Photo Courtesy of Dr. Valerie Rein

This raised the question for Rein as to what sort of hidden traumas women are suppressing without having any awareness of its presence. In her evaluation of her healing methodology, Rein realized that she was using mind, body and trauma healing tools with her clients because, while they had never experienced a traumatic event, they were showing the tell-tale symptoms of trauma which are described as a disconnect from parts of ourselves, body and emotions. In addition to her personal evaluation, research at the time had revealed that traumatic experiences are, in fact, passed down genetically throughout generations. This was Rein's lightbulb moment. The answer to a very real problem that she, and all women, have been experiencing is intergenerational trauma as a result of oppression formed under the patriarchy.

Although Rein's discovery would undoubtably change the way women experience and understand stress, it was crucial that she first broaden the definition of trauma not with the intention of catering to PSD, but to better identify the ways in which trauma presents itself in the current generation. When studying psychology from the books and diagnostic manuals written exclusively by white men, trauma was narrowly defined as a life-threatening experience. By that definition, not many people fit the bill despite showing trauma-like symptoms such as disconnections from parts of their body, emotions and self-expression. However, as the field of psychology has expanded, more voices have been joining the conversations and expanding the definition of trauma based on their lived experience. "I have broadened the definition to say that any experience that makes us feel unsafe psychically or emotionally can be traumatic," stated Rein. By redefining trauma, people across the gender spectrum are able to find validation in their experiences and begin their journey to healing these traumas not just for ourselves, but for future generations.

While PSD is not experienced by one particular gender, as women who have been one of the most historically disadvantaged and oppressed groups, we have inherited survival instructions that express themselves differently for different women. For some women, this means their nervous systems freeze when faced with something that has been historically dangerous for women such as stepping into their power, speaking out, being visible or making a lot of money. Then there are women who go into fight or flight mode. Although they are able to stand in the spotlight, they pay a high price for it when their nervous system begins to work in a constant state of hyper vigilance in order to keep them safe. These women often find themselves having trouble with anxiety, intimacy, sleeping or relaxing without a glass of wine or a pill. Because of this, adrenaline fatigue has become an epidemic among high achieving women that is resulting in heightened levels of stress and anxiety.

"For the first time, it makes sense that we are not broken or making this up, and we have gained this understanding by looking through the lens of a shared trauma. All of these things have been either forbidden or impossible for women. A woman's power has always been a punishable offense throughout history," stated Rein.

Although the idea of having a disorder may be scary to some and even potentially contribute to a victim mentality, Rein wants people to be empowered by PSD and to see it as a diagnosis meant to validate your experience by giving it a name, making it real and giving you a means to heal yourself. "There are still experiences in our lives that are triggering PSD and the more layers we heal, the more power we claim, the more resilience we have and more ability we have in staying plugged into our power and happiness. These triggers affect us less and less the more we heal," emphasized Rein. While the task of breaking intergenerational transmission of trauma seems intimidating, the author has flipped the negative approach to the healing journey from a game of survival to the game of how good can it get.

In her new book, Patriarchy Stress Disorder: The Invisible Barrier to Women's Happiness and Fulfillment, Rein details an easy system for healing that includes the necessary tools she has sourced over 20 years on her healing exploration with the pioneers of mind, body and trauma resolution. Her 5-step system serves to help "Jailbreakers" escape the inner prison of PSD and other hidden trauma through the process of Waking Up in Prison, Meeting the Prison Guards, Turning the Prison Guards into Body Guards, Digging the Tunnel to Freedom and Savoring Freedom. Readers can also find free tools on Rein's website to help aid in their healing journey and exploration.

"I think of the book coming out as the birth of a movement. Healing is not women against men– it's women, men and people across the gender spectrum, coming together in a shared understanding that we all have trauma and we can all heal."

https://www.drvalerie.com/