Patriarchy Stress Disorder is A Real Thing and this Psychologist Is Helping Women Overcome It
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My Untold Story Of Inventing the Sports Bra And How it Changed the World (And Me)
Following are excerpts from "Unleash the Girls, The Untold Story of the Invention of the Sports Bra and How It Changed the World (And Me)" By Lisa Z. Lindahl
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Dear Women, It's Okay To Look Tired
"You look tired."
If you're anything like me (and literally every other woman I know), those words are anything but innocuous. They're a reminder that you aren't wearing makeup – and being judged for it. It's like clockwork to the point that it'd be funny if it weren't so infuriating, but the fact is that women are expected to adhere to a very narrow standard for our appearances to even be considered presentable in public. It's not a secret, and it's not a scandal. It is, instead, the basic expectation of all women before being taken seriously and respected. And that is, let's not mince words, abuse.
A few weeks ago, there was a minor flap in the news cycle about an informal ban on women wearing flats or glasses to work in Japan. Everyone was so breathlessly offended, and rightly so, but the truth is that isn't even remotely unique to Japan. Our appearances are policed all over the world, from strict religious mandates for "modesty" at one end of the spectrum to under eye concealer at the other. This isn't to equate these realities, or to deny that there aren't women who find liberation in both – there are undoubtedly many women empowered by making these choices for themselves – because the problem isn't how we present ourselves of our own volition, but what we are obliged or outright required to do.
Which brings me back to "you look tired." Because there's a lot going on there! First is the simple fact that many, many a man is so unaccustomed to seeing a woman without a coat of paint on that he doesn't realize that women don't all have perfect skin, and that any imperfection must be an indication of a problem. Dark bags under your eyes? Must not be sleeping. Are you sick? You must be sick. Or you must not take care of yourself. Or you must not care about your appearance. Or you're a lesbian. Or you're just not trying.
Glasses make us look "mannish," or "unsexy," or even "intimidating," which usually is just a euphemism for too smart.
None of this is news to any of us. Generations of men who grew up on air-brushed, pinned-up, painted-over, half-starved supermodels from Marilyn to Cindy have basic expectations of what a woman is supposed to be that are then imposed over us to our detriment. The informal ban on flats and glasses in Japan may have gotten attention, but it isn't even a particularly stark example; we have all faced the threat of censure for failing to live up to someone else's fantasies.
But damned if you do and damned if you don't, there's the ever-present threat of being punished for trying to do exactly that. Wear too much makeup? Dress too "feminine." You're "asking for it." You're "distracting." You're "unprofessional" and don't want to be taken seriously. The line we have to walk is impossibly thin. Punished for being too sexy, punished for not being sexy enough – the threat is ever-present. So what is there to be done? The connection between appearance and respect is undeniable and must be navigated.
And it's not even just men, although they are themselves the primary beneficiaries; we police each other, and it mostly isn't even conscious. We have internalized these standards, applying them to other women as much as ourselves. "You can't pull that off." "Your makeup is slutty." "She just dresses like that so the boss will pay attention to her." It's ridiculous, but we do it all the same, staunchly defending double standards that hurt us all. I've done it. You've done it. We've all done it. That silent, judgy glare, the back-office gossip, and pointed and whispered accusations. We do it to ourselves.
And the guys? Guys can roll out of bed, run their fingers through their hair, and everyone's happy if they managed to throw on a pair of pants and some ratty sneakers. Even "making an effort" has a different definition; a powder-blue buttonup and some khakis are really all anyone is asking of them, and sometimes they can't even be bothered to go that far. While a sharp-dresser is always gonna be an eye-turner – and let me tell you, I've seen some guys who can wear the hell out of a great suit – that's considered exceptional and noteworthy. A guy with mussy top is never going to be asked if it's windy outside. They never need an excuse.
"You look tired."
Well, I am tired. Being a woman is exhausting. And nothing – not money or success or power – has changed that. Instead, it's been sorority, our willingness to speak to each other and publicly about the ways the informal rules hurt us; heels might "look professional," but they can really mess up your feet. So I'm not here to propose a solution as much as to issue a call to arms: it's okay to look tired. It's okay not to look perfect. And that's something we're obliged to communicate, not only to the men in our lives, but to each other.
This is the great gift of the social media era: it's connected more women than ever before, giving us a megaphone we've never had that can reach women we'd never otherwise meet. It has let an entire generation of women articulate and communicate shared oppressions, fueling commiseration, anger, and yes, change. That's how #MeToo happened. Even before lifting each other up comes the basic work of validating feelings about our lives we've always been expected to tamp down.
I think this might be harder for women my age and older. We aren't as keyed into the digital conversations and have more time "going along to get along" under our belts. We've learned to survive in man's world and often to a degree have internalized its values about us and our bodies. But we should expect better, and I'm glad to see our daughters standing up for themselves. It's like Lysistrata, the classical Greek drama about women stopping a war by initiating a sex strike: things get better when we stick together.
Because it's either stick together or fall apart.
Why Women’s Health is a Black Box of Misinformation
If you were diagnosed with a disease, or came down with an illness, your doctor would likely prescribe you medicine or suggest some medical intervention. And, it would be important to know if the doctor was recommending something that had been rigorously tested on people who looked like you. In fact, the more the subjects in that controlled study looked like you, the better.
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"Who are you meeting for lunch this week?"
Without fail, my former boss would ask me this question in every weekly status we had. And I dreaded the question. Because my answer was generally a stammering "Umm… No One." Occasionally I could remember what I actually had for lunch. And almost always it was sitting in my windowless cube eating a soggy sad sandwich.
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Photo Courtesy of Janine Sickmeyer
If you're someone, like myself, who loves to follow inspirational pages on Instagram then you have definitely seen countless quotes about a very uncomfortable topic– failure.
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Growing up, I hated how I looked. My mother is Irish, Polish, German, and Dutch, while my Dad emigrated from Nigeria. I was a biracial girl living in a majority Caucasian town. Not only was I surrounded by people who looked different than me, but I also rarely felt represented in the media. This lack of community during my adolescence gave me little to no self-esteem, self-worth, or self-confidence, which led me to want to change everything about myself: my hair, the accent I picked up from my African family, and even my skin color.
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Grief. That word sucks. Nothing good comes with that word. "Hey, do you want a grief cake?" No thanks. "What about a grief sandwich?" Sounds terrible. It's not a word used when you win the Powerball. Even the words "Good Grief" is an acceptable 'G" rated curse word used by our mothers and grandmothers everywhere, followed by an eye roll and a resounding "no."
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I was blindsided. I did not see this coming. Sure, we had our issues, but I was not prepared for the volcano that would erupt and continue to overflow for a solid decade. I was a stay-at-home mom. I was focused on raising my 18-month-old baby when my husband dropped the bomb that he wanted to get a divorce and began to pack his things to leave the home we built together. The first question I had was,"What did I do wrong?" I was sleep-deprived, but I was meeting my baby's needs without help and figured that was quite the accomplishment. It is amazing how a trauma can suddenly wake you up in a jolt! Prior to the divorce, I was lucky in the sense that my biggest worry was, "What is the best diaper to buy?"
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Self-care is not selfish.
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"When was the last time you felt really excited?
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Emily Kumler Kaplan is an award-winning investigative journalist. As an ABC news staffer, newspaper reporter, columnist, and magazine writer, she has gone inside the minds of murderers, world leaders, celebrities, business innovators, and everyone in between. Emily’s fascination with how our personal narratives play a major role in our experiences makes her a captivating writer and speaker. She contributes to the The New York Times, The Boston Globe, Boston Magazine, Good Morning America, The New York Daily News, Cosmopolitan Magazine, The Daily Beast, and other media outlets. She also writes a weekly health column for Boston Magazine.
As the Head of Diversity and Inclusion and Cross-Cultural Marketing at Unilever, Mita's efforts to build an inclusive culture are being celebrated. Under her leadership, Unilever was named the #1 Company for Working Mothers by Working Mother Media in 2018. She also co-created the first of its kind Cultural Immersions series to increase the cultural competency of marketers training over 4,000 marketers to date.
Kim is a motivational speaker and executive coach. She is the author of the book: Remodel Your Realityâ„¢, Seven Steps to Rebalance Your Life and Reclaim Your Passion, and the producer of Get Your Groove Backâ„¢, an on-demand coaching program for women. A Silicon Valley veteran, Kim is the founder of three companies, and a frequent media contributor on wellness and women's issues. Her expert advice has been featured in magazines such as TIME and SEVENTEEN. She's a contributor and facilitator for Arianna Huffington's THRIVE GLOBAL, and her online advice videos have reached more than 500,000 women from seventeen countries. With twenty years and 12,000 hours of coaching experience, Kim breaks empowerment down into practical steps that teach women how to make powerful choices and get out of their own way. She's a passionate advocate for advancing women in leadership, and funding female-led companies.

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We're told life is full of choices and to succeed you have to "act more like a man." We're not having it. In this post #MeToo and #TimesUp world, we celebrate our strength as women. You don't have to choose between femininity and success. Ladies, let's harness our power.
We're told life is full of choices and to succeed you have to "act more like a man." We're not having it. In this post #MeToo and #TimesUp world, we celebrate our strength as women. You don't have to choose between femininity and success. Ladies, let's harness our power.
Starting a company is awesome, empowering, and exhilarating but it can also be scary, hard, or just plain grueling. There is so much to do but don't let that get you down. Listen to the ladies who are in the throes. We're with you.
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Seriously. Money makes the world go around and more importantly, it helps to fund our businesses, our hustles, and our side hustles. We're talking Venture Capital firms and strategies to get a piece of the pie no matter what stage your business is in.
