If the question were asked, “Who is your worst enemy?", some of us wouldn't have to look any further than the mirror.
“You are your own worst enemy" is a maxim for a reason. Many of us have developed self-sabotaging habits we don't even realize are short-circuiting our own lives and goals.
When one reaches a "certain age," as I have (in my 60's), it's becoming a lot easier to spot some behaviors so obviously destructive for the actors. While I've been guilty of many of these things earlier in my own life, I now have a much clearer perspective on how your own actions will often prevent you from reaching your life's goals. See if any of the points below resonate with you:
1. You're Not Setting Long-Term Goals For Yourself
You wouldn't get on a train unless you had a destination, would you? So why let your life move along with no direction? Sure, goals can change, and it's okay if they do, but if you start out aimlessly wandering through your career and personal life, it can often lead to a less than happy result. Cruises to nowhere might be fun, but not when you're cruising to your future. If you don't plan and visualize your future, you may be leaving it entirely to chance.
2. You're Not Running Your Own Race
Do you know why horses wear blinders? Because they get distracted by things either in their side or rear views (their eyes are on the sides of their heads) and lose sight of where they're headed, whether racing or working. While your eyes are conveniently positioned in the front of your face, it doesn't stop you from being distracted from your goals when you begin comparing yourself with those around you. Negative self-talk: “Let's see. She' s my age and already vice president at her company", or “She's already married with a house and two children and I don't even have a significant other." So what? Maybe your life is taking a different path. After all, we don't all desire the same things. So, put on your metaphorical blinders and live your life for you, and you won't be tempted to relinquish your own goals and stray from the path you really desire!
3. You're Basing Your Career Choices On Salary Alone
Don't make salary your only benchmark for success. Unless your one and only goal in life is to live on Fifth Avenue and dine at Masa several times a week, look at the whole picture before you jump into a position. If being wealthy is your only goal, then go for it, but be aware that you may have to make a trade-off and abandon your own passion. Sometimes you can have both, but that scenario is a little rare.
A friend of mine took a “dream job" with a famous designer. She had to be on call 24/7 and was expected to jump when asked and then her only question could be “how high?"
4. You Don't Know “When To Hold 'Em And When To Fold 'Em"
While this is a well-known poker phrase, it's relevant for life too. Sometimes you take a job for the long haul, such as a start-up. Maybe you'll take a job with a company in the early stages of an enterprise, and you must be prepared to be in it a while before you see the spoils of your labor. I'll bet those that joined Marian Ilitch early on are glad they stuck with it. (She and her husband founded Little Caeser Pizza. She now ranks tops on Forbes' richest self-made women list.) The same goes for those who took a chance with Bill Gates, Jeff Bezos, etc. But just as any financial advisor will tell you: “Some holdings are for long-term goals. Others are for a quick turn-around." Learn to spot the difference.
If you see great things from the entrepreneur you're working with, stay with it. You may be on the ground floor of a major success. However, if you see your boss losing momentum after a certain amount of time, maybe it's time to consider moving on. If you've gone as far as you can in your job at a well-established company, talk to your boss, and if there's no room for further growth, decide if you like your job well enough to stay in it for 20 more years or you want to spread your wings.
The same holds true for your personal life and relationships. Case in point: my dear brother was engaged for 14 years! Yup, that's right. He was never ready to take that final step. Unfortunately, his fiancé didn't get it and she hung in there. When she finally broke it off, he quickly met someone else, moved in and was married before the door closed on his ex. Dragging one's feet isn't the only sign your relationship isn't going anywhere, but I think we'll sometimes close our eyes to the obvious signs. If marriage and a family are what you want in your future, you shouldn't spend all your time with someone who eschews this lifestyle. And if settling down isn't on your long-term menu, don't spend too much time with someone whose goal it is.
5. You Are Using Booze Or Food As Rewards Or To Fill That Empty Spot In Your Life
All of us need perks and positive things in our lives. But you must be aware that booze is a very short-term fix—as is food. The consequences of both can be drastic.
Have you ever wasted an entire Saturday or Sunday trying to get over a severe hangover from drinking way too much the night before? A beautiful day can be wasted because of a couple of hours of “fun" drinking. While I'm far from calling for a revival of Prohibition, we must start self-moderating instead of self-sabotaging! If drinking has become your only go-to way to enjoy your weekends, it may be time to reexamine your social life.
The same goes for over-eating. Is an extra appetizer and dessert a reward for your week of hard work? Do you waive your usual selectivity and order anything you want regardless of its unhealthfulness? Uh Oh…shouldn't there be a way to celebrate that's more meaningful and less injurious to your health? While most of us need these splurges—both food and drink—occasionally, when it becomes a little too frequent, you are sabotaging yourself.
6. You're Becoming Obsessed With Tinder And Other Dating Sites
Granted, dating sites offer a way to substantially increase your access to dating partners. However, when talking with some of my younger friends, I'm noticing there's an over-abundance of dependence on meeting people on social media alone. But guess what? People did manage to meet and even marry before Match.com was even a gleam in a computer nerd's eye! Shouldn't online dating be more of an adjunct than the primary way of meeting people? Have we forgotten the art of socializing in person?
Another negative side effect of online dating is it often becomes a constant search for someone better. You might come home from a date and quickly go online to see if you've had any hits before you give a chance to the one you just left.
There are few perfect people out there (including you) so why not date one at a time, explore the possibilities, and move on from there. Failure to live up to an online version of one's self, half created by you and half by the other participant, can cause a disappointing meeting. While his description of himself didn't include his awkwardness or crazy laugh, you might be able to overlook these points if you hadn't imagined him to be some knock-out George Clooney type.
7. You've Fallen Into The Designers Only Trap
Having some basic good quality, well-tailored pieces in your wardrobe is a must. But, unless you're already rolling in the bucks, however, it isn't necessary to have high-end labels on every item in your wardrobe. By now, you must have developed taste and style of your own, so why not experiment with accessories at first, and try out a few discount stores and thrift shops. You'll not only save on currency, but you may find some unique items to supplement your wardrobe. Become familiar with this type of store and you'll soon find you develop an eye for finding pieces that will individualize your look.
You'd be surprised how some of these finds can fool people. I worked in a fashion company for the creative director who wore under-suit tank tops that cost $100. While these were expensed to the company as part of her wardrobe allowance, they didn't last any longer than a much less expensive version. I remember one time I wore a dress to work and threw a $3.99 see-through bolero over it. My boss raved about it and asked where I bought it. I think she was a little embarrassed when I told her it was from a little deep discount store on 34th Street!
8. You Buy Into The Habit Of Living With Labels That No Longer Describe You
So maybe you were a little “ditsy" in elementary school and your friends always referred to you as such. However lovingly it was meant back then, it doesn't mean you still identify with that label. While you might have been the class clown and you have a great sense of humor still, it doesn't mean you must regale your friends with a comedy act even when you're feeling down.
You can adjust the images people have of you by acting a little differently than you have done. This doesn't mean you're going to be phony now, it just means you should be aware if you're always behaving as everyone expects.
9. You Haven't Expanded Your Stable Of Friends
There's nothing like talking on the phone for hours with your BFF, or visiting during the year whenever you can when they're in a different location. Having a shared history with someone, whether from high school, college days, or former jobs is so comforting, especially when you're going through stressful or exciting times. Don't rely on those few trusted friends to be your only source of camaraderie though. New friends can offer new perspectives and networks to your life. Maybe next time your BFF is in town you can bring everyone together.
10. Your Picture Should Be In The Dictionary Under "Procrastination"
The last and one of the deadliest signals that you are sabotaging yourself is you are always procrastinating. Guilty! That's something I struggle with, and writing this article is no exception. Starting with book reports in grade school to not doing my wash until I can't close my hamper, I have the habit of putting things off until tomorrow. I am always working hard to change this and have made some improvement, but I still have a way to go. The adage, “Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today" should be etched on my own walls. If you find this a problem for you, let changing it be a priority!
This article was first published September 17, 2018.
I am a proud Black business owner carrying a line of lip colors for the woman who wants to shine. At Vatarie Cosmetics you can find cruelty-free and vegan lip care products, including clear lip gloss and liquid matte lipsticks. The line is still under development, so there are more products in the making that you'll hear more about soon!
My products are high-quality and it is my dream to take my brand into high-end storefronts across the nation and even across the globe.
I have worked my way into my entrepreneurial career as I did not come from money. The goal of my cosmetic line is to bring excitement to everyone who tries the line. My products are high-quality and it is my dream to take my brand into high-end storefronts across the nation and even across the globe. I believe that with added makeup and a good set of threads, anybody can confidently face the world. I am a proud and firm supporter of the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement and a proud member and supporter of the LGBTQIA community.
There have been plenty of hardships that I have had to face throughout my entire life, the most recent being the recent death of my father who passed far too soon. I have never allowed these hardships to deter me, and won't start now. I will continue to progress and work hard to build my business, knowing that this is what my father would have wanted.
About the Vatarie Line: What It's All About
Upon launching the line, I had the mission of inspiring every human to find their inner beauty and to have fun along the way. With this in mind, my products are designed for people of all genders, races, religions, and creeds. The Vatarie line will have more to offer customers very soon as I am continually working on developing products and expanding the line. In addition to the lip colors currently offered, the line will soon include highlighters, eyeshadows, and new lip gloss additions.
I believe that no one needs makeup to validate themselves, and we are all beautiful on our own. I do believe, though, that makeup can make life a lot more fun. Now more than ever we are living in a world where there is so much sadness and darkness. Sometimes all we need to change our moods and get away from that darkness is something to help us feel better and more vibrant — this is where a pop of makeup and a well put together outfit can really make an impact.
Now more than ever we are living in a world where there is so much sadness and darkness.
I encourage everybody to embrace their inner beauty and inner style, and express themselves no matter what. My line of products is inspired by high fashion and designed to make a bold statement. The running theme across my products is empowerment at every stage and level. I create products that make my customers feel happy, and I ensure I am happy myself with my products before I release every single one. There is no place for cutting corners as I believe in producing the highest quality product.
I bring my sense of humor and quirky personality into my products and you can see this in the names of each item. Take the lip color "Blood Money," which signifies all the money, tears, sweat, and yes, blood that was put into the brand. Let me tell you, it was hard work, and it still is hard work, but at the end of the day, it fulfills me to know the type of quality I am providing. It gives me great pride to create a line of legendary products that will positively affect someone and bring them to a place of self-love and acceptance.
About the Past that Gives My Business Meaning
I have struggled over the years with mental abuse that has left me feeling as if "I wasn't enough." Added to that, being a Black woman in an industry that is predominantly dominated by other races, I had to work harder to get to where I am today.
Coming from a broken home, my family struggled with addiction, making my entire childhood a miserable nightmare. My mother abandoned us as she was being physically abused, and it was up to us the kids to do everything necessary to take care of the home and each other. We eventually ended up living with my grandmother in Miami, Florida. At a very young age, I had to endure physical and mental abuse and was locked up. At the age of 22, I lost my younger sister to gun violence and found myself raising her one-year-old son as my own.
Being a Black woman in an industry that is predominantly dominated by other races, I had to work harder to get to where I am today.
While my past was a rough one, it is what has made me the strong, independent, and vibrant woman I am today. That woman strives to be her best every day and works tirelessly to provide a line of only the best cosmetics products. I couldn't see this while I was living through those bad situations and struggling to grow up, but I can look back and see how I was made more resilient because of my hardships.
As I grieve over my father's recent passing, I become stronger. It is this added personal strength that will push me forward in everything I do and will be reflected in my work ethic and in the development of new products for my Vatarie line of cosmetics.