With DJ Khaled's statement on giving his wife oral sex, we thought we'd chime in on why (some) men are continually so dismissive of female pleasure. For reference, when asked does he go down on his wife, he replied: “Nahhh. Never! I don't do that." Before we dive in, it's worth noting that the following piece acknowledges that not all men are selfish and not all women have a vagina or have sex with people with penises.
I'll bet if most of your sex includes a penis and a vagina, you pictured kissing and rubbing to start, maybe some oral in the middle, followed by penetrative thrusting, and the finale was male ejaculation. We've been trained by the media and our culture to see sex as an act that is male-pleasure focused and bracketed by male arousal and ejaculation. It is no surprise, then, to realize that when we think of cis heterosexual women's orgasms, we apply similar principles of success, timing and importance.
Decades of sex education taught women to be gatekeepers to activity. Our role was to “say no," leading to very confused teen couples who oftentimes wanted the exact same thing but had to engage in a ridiculous dance of passive aggressive coercion and acquiescence. I don't remember the clitoris being part of my high school anatomy lesson, and I know for a fact it isn't part of the current curriculum where I live now. Religion taught us sex is for solely procreation. Parents taught us the dangers of unplanned pregnancy. Locker rooms taught us – well, we know what those taught us.
Few of us learned, at least through traditional sex ed in the U.S., that the clitoris actually has twice the number of nerve endings as the head of the penis. No one taught us that the clitoris as we know it is really just like the glans of the penis, and that the internal structure extends 4-5 inches into the body. Unless you took a human sexuality class in college, you likely didn't learn about the sexual arousal cycle or how that cycle is so very different across genders.
I don't remember the clitoris being part of my high school anatomy lesson, and I know for a fact it isn't part of the current curriculum where I live now.
Our country's puritan roots and patriarchal society have combined to form the perfect storm of sexual disappointment. Women are expected to become aroused and climax against a backdrop of how men do the same. Think about movie sex scenes. There's some groping, hair pulling (non-consensually it appears), kissing and then the scene cuts to a close up of intense faces, nose-to-nose, grimacing or moaning, with hands propping up a male body more often than not. Who is stimulating her clitoris? No one, quite likely. And there's the rub. Statistically, less than 20 percent of women can climax through penetration alone. Most women orgasm when the clitoris is either directly or indirectly stimulated with a toy or a hand.
In my practice, time and time again, women seek answers to the age-old question, “What's wrong with me? Why does it take me so long to come?" Well, really, who decided how long it's supposed to take you to get there? Men did. Our culture did. And they didn't bother to check the directions to see how long this cookie recipe takes to get gooey and done. Has anyone ever stopped to consider asking men why they “finish" so fast as compared to women? No. We just expect women to adjust their bodies and expectations to the needs of a male partner. Research has found that men can reach orgasm after only three minutes of sexual activity, while most women need at least 20 minutes. The result is a massive orgasm gap.
Studies show that people with penises reported that 91 percent of sexual encounters end in orgasm for them while just 39 percent of people with vulvas report having an orgasm during a sexual encounter. Furthermore, at least 15- 20 percent of American women have never had an orgasm and according to Planned Parenthood, and at least one in three women struggle to orgasm during sex.
Now that we've given considerable light to the problem, let's talk about a solution. It's time for you to view having an orgasm through the same male lens. Does a guy worry about how he looks? Does he worry whether or not he is pleasing you during most of the act? Does he give up on his orgasm after you've come and he doesn't want to pester you? The answer to all of these are likely no. So ladies, here is your guide to having an orgasm like a man.
Say Exactly What You Want - No need to be shy here. If you know what he needs to do to make you feel good, tell him exactly what that is and then tell him how good it feels. If you don't want to be jackhammered, tell him to slow down. If you're nervous he might come, tell him to hold off. Demand more in the bedroom but provide encouragement to help him get there.
Own Your Sexuality - Yes, your hair may look great, your legs are silky smooth, and this week you may be five pounds lighter, but this is not why you are sexy. You are sexy because you are a sexual being who embodies pleasure, femininity and sexual prowess. Own every inch of your skin and be proud of who you are inside and out. Confidence in yourself will also help to get those orgasms out of hiding.
Explore Your Body - If you've masturbated many times and know exactly what turns you on, hats off to you! If you have successfully masturbated but don't know how to translate those steamy vibrator sessions into the real-life thing, then it's time to explore something different. Imagine Ryan Gosling on top of you. See if you can stimulate your g-spot. Watch a little adult film to get some ideas, but look for porn directed by women that isn't so male-focused. If masturbation is new or not a regular thing for you, resolve to start a masturbation practice. Start with choosing a toy unlike one you've used before, and dedicate at least 30-60 minutes a week to playing with it and seeing how it makes you feel. It's important to find new ways that get you to that special place, then share them with your partner.
Get Out of Your Head - Telling your body to get there, get there quick, he's coming soon isn't going to make your orgasm happen any faster (and it won't be as good if you rush it!) We have also all been there - you're in the mood and feeling great, then you remember that you forgot to put the laundry in the dryer this morning. When that happens, just tell yourself, I deserve this next 15 minutes to be free from all of my duties and problems. Let it go and bring yourself back into the moment.
Cultivate your Spank Bank - Take note of sexy things you hear and see. Pull out that mental Rolodex of clips, passages, memories that are your “go to" climax scenes. I encourage clients to share fantasies and cultivate them. It's really ok to go way into your head if it's to immerse yourself in a hot fantasy. Dreaming about taking on five guys at once? Does that golden shower sound amazing (even if you'd never do it in real life)? How about that cute girl in yoga class? What would your tongue feel like rolling around on her breast? It's perfectly acceptable and even encouraged to fantasize about other people and experiences. It's healthy and imaginative. Go there, feel it, use it.
I walk into a room full of men and I know exactly what they're thinking: "What does she know about whisky?"
I know this because many men have asked me that same question from the moment I started my career in spirits a decade ago.
In a male-dominated industry, I realized early on that I would always have to work harder than my male counterparts to prove my credibility, ability and knowledge in order to earn the trust of leadership stakeholders, coworkers, vendors and even consumers of our products. I am no stranger to hard work and appreciate that everyone needs to prove their worth when starting any career or role. What struck me however, was how the recognition and opportunities seemed to differ between genders. Women usually had to prove themselves before they were accepted and promoted ("do the work first and earn it"), whereas men often were more easily accepted and promoted on future potential. It seemed like their credibility was automatically and immediately assumed. Regardless of the challenges and adversity I faced, my focus was on proving my worth within the industry, and I know many other women were doing the same.
Thankfully, the industry has advanced in the last few years since those first uncomfortable meetings. The rooms I walk into are no longer filled with just men, and perceptions are starting to change significantly. There are more women than ever before making, educating, selling, marketing and conceptualizing whiskies and spirits of all kinds. Times are changing for the better and it's benefitting the industry overall, which is exciting to see.
For me, starting a career in the spirits business was a happy accident. Before spirits, I had worked in the hospitality industry and on the creative agency side. That background just happened to be what a spirits company was looking for at the time and thus began my journey in the industry. I was lucky that my gender did not play a deciding role in the hiring process, as I know that might not have been the case for everyone at that time.
Now, ten plus years later, I am fortunate to work for and lead one of the most renowned and prestigious Whisky brands in the world.. What was once an accident now feels like my destiny. The talent and skill that goes into the whisky-making process is what inspired me to come back and live and breathe those brands as if they were my own. It gave me a deep understanding and appreciation of an industry that although quite large, still has an incredible amount of handmade qualities and a specific and meticulous craft I have not seen in any other industry before. Of course, my journey has not been without challenges, but those obstacles have only continued to light my passion for the industry.
The good news is, we're on the right track. When you look at how many females hold roles in the spirits industry today compared to what it looked like 15 years ago, there has been a significant increase in both the number of women working and the types of roles women are hired for. From whisky makers and distillers to brand ambassadors and brand marketers, we're seeing more women in positions of influence and more spirits companies willing to stand up and provide a platform for women to make an impact. Many would likely be surprised to learn that one of our team's Whisky Makers is a woman. They might even be more surprised to learn that women, with a heightened sense of smell compared to our male counterparts, might actually be a better fit for the role! We're nowhere near equality, but the numbers are certainly improving.
It was recently reported by the Distilled Spirits Council that women today represent a large percentage of whisky drinkers and that has helped drive U.S. sales of distilled spirits to a record high in 2017. Today, women represent about 37% of the whisky drinkers in the United States, which is a large increase compared to the 1990s when a mere 15% of whisky drinkers were women. As for what's causing this change? I believe it's a mix of the acceptance of women to hold roles within the spirits industry partnered with thoughtful programs and initiatives to engage with female consumers.
While whisky was previously known for being a man's drink, reserved for after-dinner cigars behind closed doors, it is now out in the open and accessible for women to learn about and enjoy too.
What was once subculture is now becoming the norm and women are really breaking through and grabbing coveted roles in the spirits business. That said, it's up to the industry as a whole to continue to push it forward. When you work for a company that values diversity, you're afforded the opportunity to be who you are and let that benefit your business. Working under the model that the best brand initiatives come from passionate groups of people with diverse backgrounds, we are able to offer different points of view and challenge our full team to bring their best work forward, which in turn creates better experiences for our audience. We must continue to diversify the industry and break against the status quo if we really want to continue evolving.
While we've made great strides as an industry, there is still a lot of work to be done. To make a change and finally achieve gender equality in the workplace, both men and women need to stand behind the cause as we are better collectively as a balanced industry. We have proved that we have the ability to not only meet the bar, but to also raise it - now we just need everyone else to catch up.