Email firstname.lastname@example.org to get the advice you need!
HELP! I Don't Enjoy Sex With My Boyfriend Anymore!
Dear Armchair Psychologist
I love my boyfriend dearly. We moved in as roommates and got together about a month after that. Now we've been together for a year and a half. Since we've lived together all that time, we're really close and are so accustomed to each other.
The longest I have been in a relationship before this is 4 months, and he didn't really have a serious exclusive relationship before me. I know he loves me a lot. He's prone to bad dreams and usually when he has them, he tosses and turns and I wake up and ask what's wrong. They're about different things but several times he told me he was upset because he dreamt we broke up. The idea of hurting him like that honestly breaks my heart. I love him so much but the problem is… I'm not in love with him… I don't think I ever was properly.
It was fun at first because he's cute and we got on well but as time went on we became so used to being together that I think it just feels safe being with him. I love waking up next to him and cuddling but I don't enjoy sex, I don't get that spark of excitement I had in previous relationships. I don't miss him when I'm away any more than I miss a close friend. What do I do?
I am sorry you feel torn about your boyfriend, and I can't begin to imagine the sadness or anxiety that might accompany this predicament. You say that you don't enjoy sex with your boyfriend, nor do you miss him as a romantic partner when he is away. You also say that you're not in love with him and that you worry about hurting him. Most healthy relationships are built on mutual feelings and understanding, which includes sexual intimacy and compatibility. I suspect you already know the answer to your question about what to do in this situation. The real question is what is preventing you from breaking up with your boyfriend? His worst nightmare might be an impending breakup, but it is not a good reason for you to stay in the relationship.
A wise person once told me "if you love someone, don't block their blessings." I'm not religious, however, it stuck with me this idea that I could be stopping someone from experiencing the love that they deserve, (and my own true love for that matter,) because I was holding unto them for my own comfort, fear of a tumultuous breakup and other selfish reasons. Your boyfriend sounds like a lovely and sensitive man. No one deserves to get their heartbroken but it is a part of life that each of us have to contend with to get closer to our true desires and happiness. It is time you develop the courage to break off this relationship and get the support you need to make this happen. Talk to a qualified therapist that can guide you through this difficult process. Also, seek the support of your loved ones, if available. Chances are that years from now, you will look back and feel that you made a good decision by avoiding creating your own nightmare!
- The Armchair Psychologist
Help! I'm Turned on by Head Shavings!
Dear Armchair Psychologist
I really need help with this matter. I have a girlfriend, and I love her hair a lot. But I get turned on seeing head shaving videos, and I masturbate to them. And now I feel like shaving my girlfriend's head sometimes but I really love her and can't do that. I really wanna change this stupid feeling. Hair-fetish is fun but the head-shaving part is killing me. My girlfriend doesn't wanna go bald, and I don't even want her to be bald either. But this fetish is killing me and making me watch a lot of videos of head shaving. Please help me. I need some tips to stop this feeling. Thank you.
- Baldy Love
Dear Baldy Love,
I'm sorry that you are experiencing such distress over your fetish. Kinks and fetishes are extremely common although they often carry a stigma. In a previous armchair psychologist post, I mentioned a UK study that found that 75% of all people have at least one sexual fetish. It concerns me that you are ashamed and troubled by having a fetish. I recommend you seek the support of a qualified therapist to explore your feelings of shame or fear around the topic. There is nothing wrong with you for enjoying head shaving videos and it's in fact healthy to have kinks and fetishes so long as they aren't harming anyone. I have a few fetishes myself and I am always able to go to my favorite porn sites to satisfy these.
You say you don't want your girlfriend to shave her head and go bald, but you seem unsatisfied because head-shaving is your inner desire? Have you tried including your girlfriend into your fetish? Most sex experts believe that sharing one's fetishes and kinks can lead to a more stimulating relationship and increase the trust and vulnerability between a couple. This great step by step by Dr. Jeremy Nicholoson, a social/personality psychologist, is a great guide on how to gently introduce your fetish to your partner. Grab this opportunity by the hair and begin working on your girlfriend.
- The Armchair Psychologist
Need more armchair psychologist in your life? Check out the last installment or email email@example.com to get some advice of your own!
- The Armchair Psychologist with Ubah Bulale - Swaay ›
- Help! My Boyfriend Makes Me Do Nasty Things! - Swaay ›
- Just the Tip: Navigating Fetishes in a Relationship - Rebellious ... ›
- Lovehacker: My Boyfriend's Hair Fetish Is Tearing Me Apart ›
- 5 Steps to Beat Boredom in Your Relationship | Psychology Today ›
- Being Bored Vs. Being Comfortable In A Relationship: Here's How ... ›
- Boring Relationship: Is It Worth Saving or Should We Break up? ›
"How did you ever get into a business like that?" people ask me. They're confounded to hear that my product is industrial baler wire—a very unfeminine pursuit, especially in 1975 when I founded my company in the midst of a machismo man's world. It's a long story, but I'll try to shorten it.
I'd never been interested to enter the "man's" world of business, but when I discovered a lucrative opportunity to become my own boss, I couldn't pass it up—even if it involved a non-glamorous product. I'd been fired from my previous job working to become a ladies' clothing buyer and was told at my dismissal, "You just aren't management or corporate material." My primary goal then was to find a career in which nobody had the power to fire me and that provided a comfortable living for my two little girls and myself.
Over the years, I've learned quite a few tough lessons about how to successfully run a business. Below are five essential elements to keep in mind, as well as my story on how I learned them.
Find A Need And Fill It
I gradually became successful at selling various products, which unfortunately weren't profitable enough to get me off the ground, so I asked people what they needed that they couldn't seem to get. One man said, "Honey, I need baler wire. Even the farmers can't get it." I saw happy dollar signs as he talked on and dedicated myself to figuring out the baler wire industry.
I'd never been interested to enter the "man's" world of business, but when I discovered a lucrative opportunity to become my own boss, I couldn't pass it up.
Now forty-five years later, I'm proud to be the founder of Vulcan Wire, Inc., an industrial baler wire company with $10 million of annual sales.
Have Working Capital And Credit
There were many pitfalls along the way to my eventual success. My daughters and I were subsisting from my unemployment checks, erratic alimony and child-support payments, and food stamps. I had no money stashed up to start up a business.
I paid for the first wire with a check for which I had no funds, an illegal act, but I thought it wouldn't matter as long as I made a deposit to cover the deficit before the bank received the check. My expectation was that I'd receive payment immediately upon delivery, for which I used a rented truck.
Little did I know that this Fortune 500 company's modus operandi was to pay all bills thirty or more days after receipts. My customer initially refused to pay on the spot. I told him I would consequently have to return the wire, so he reluctantly decided to call corporate headquarters for this unusual request.
My stomach was in knots the whole time he was gone, because he said it was iffy that corporate would come through. Fifty minutes later, however, he emerged with a check in hand, resentful of the time away from his busy schedule. Stressed, he told me to never again expect another C.O.D. and that any future sale must be on credit. Luckily, I made it to the bank with a few minutes to spare.
Know Your Product Thoroughly
I received a disheartening phone call shortly thereafter: my wire was breaking. This horrible news fueled the fire of my fears. Would I have to reimburse my customer? Would my vendor refuse to reimburse me?
My customer told me to come over and take samples of his good wire to see if I might duplicate it. I did that and educated myself on the necessary qualities.
My primary goal then was to find a career in which nobody had the power to fire me and that provided a comfortable living for my two little girls and myself.
Voila! I found another wire supplier that had the right specifications. By then, I was savvy enough to act as though they would naturally give me thirty-day terms. They did!
More good news: My customer merely threw away all the bad wire I'd sold him, and the new wire worked perfectly; he then gave me leads and a good endorsement. I rapidly gained more wire customers.
Anticipate The Dangers Of Exponential Growth
I had made a depressing discovery. My working capital was inadequate. After I purchased the wire, I had to wait ten to thirty days for a fabricator to get it reconfigured, which became a looming problem. It meant that to maintain a good credit standing, I had to pay for the wire ten to thirty days before my customers paid me.
I was successful on paper but was incredibly cash deprived. In other words, my exponentially growing business was about to implode due to too many sales. Eventually, my increasing sales grew at a slower rate, solving my cash flow problem.
Delegate From The Bottom Up
I learned how to delegate and eventually delegated myself out of the top jobs of CEO, President, CFO, and Vice President of Finance. Now, at seventy-eight years old, I've sold all but a third of Vulcan's stock and am semi-retired with my only job currently serving as Vice President of Stock and Consultant.
In the interim, I survived many obstacles and learned many other lessons, but hopefully these five will get you started and help prevent some of you from having the same struggles that I did. And in the end, I figured it all out, just like you will.