Entrepreneurs, both immigrants and American-born, have built America from the ground up into the world economic power that it is today. We can all recall some of the names of our nation's greatest self-starters: Henry Ford, Bill Gates, John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, Walt Disney, Oprah Winfrey, Steve Jobs and Rebecca Shanahan (Avella Specialty Pharmacy, 2014 revenue: $800 million), just to name a few.
From Henry Ford's assembly-line production, which transformed American life when he put a car in nearly every garage to Bill Gates who founded Microsoft, they all possess remarkable similarities: mental toughness, strong discipline, intelligence, perseverance, confidence, vision, creativity and a fierce drive to succeed. In fact, we tend to idolize these fiercely-driven individuals because they perpetuate the American ideal, which is that in America, anything is possible-with hard work.
But for all of the Elon Musks, and Lori Greiners of the world there are countless others that we never hear anything about who never make it. What happens to the tens of thousands of failed entrepreneurs who never get there? What types of people have the backbone for entering the world of entrepreneurship, where the risks are as great in number as are the sleepless nights?
Karen Gordon, CEO of 5 Dynamics, and Cynthia Scott, Ph.D. M.P.H. clinical psychologist, offer their expertise regarding the mindsets behind start up founders, and how the intense feelings of failure and success can exact a hefty toll on all parties involved in the physically, mentally and emotionally draining (and exhilarating) roller coaster ride that is entrepreneurship.
Rather then showing vulnerability, business leaders have practiced what social psychologists call “impression-management," also referred to as “fake it till you make it," what does this ultimately mean for the individual going it alone, as an entrepreneur often does?
Cynthia: In my work teaching leadership at Presidio Graduate School, I focus a lot on the development of the capacity to be authentic, which includes being vulnerable. Leaders have a hard time knowing when to be authentic because people want to see the real you, but if you show the real you, that makes you less of a leader. It's a catch 22, especially for women. There can be a downside to displaying that authentic self, and a downside to not displaying your vulnerability. Good leaders are able to balance authenticity with vulnerability to build trust and valuable relationships in their work. As for “faking it until you make it," there is nothing wrong with that and people do it constantly. It can also be called “rapidly prototyping," trying something out and learning from it. The act of trying something new (like starting a company or parenting your first child) makes it difficult to feel authentic in doing it, yet it is essential when going forth to launch a new idea you feel passionately about as an entrepreneur. Entrepreneurs can't fear failure or the act of trying something new to do what they do.
Karen: A common pitfall for entrepreneurs and leaders is that they think that they need to be an expert in everything. They don't. It is much better to recognize and be able to name your strengths and weaknesses. We all have them. If you understand where you prefer to spend or not spend your energy and your time and you have a growth mindset.
Brad Feld, prominent venture capitalist and Founder of the Foundry Group, shared that he has struggled with mood disorders throughout his adulthood, and started blogging about his depression and was surprised by the number of emails from other very charismatic and well-known entrepreneurs who voiced many similarities regarding emotional and psychological struggles. He reported that there was one common thread: "None of them felt that they could openly talk about their emotional struggles, as if it were akin to admitting a character flaw or weakness." Why is "talking about it," still so taboo?
Cynthia: In my early career I worked in employee assistance programs, and at that time the statistic that we used was that 15-20% of people who are able to get up and go to work have some kind of mood disorder, (depression, anxiety, etc.). Entrepreneurs and VCs put a great deal of pressure on themselves to succeed and perform to their own and industry standards. Paired with the misconception they can't be vulnerable or authentic while also being a leader, this can cause a lot of strain when the pressure builds up.. What if I don't get funding because someone knows about my mood disorder? What if it affects my business success or the careers of my employees? If the risk of those looming and seemingly detrimental factors are great enough, entrepreneurs or leaders will keep the anxiety or mood disorder quiet to protect themselves, their business and their employees.
Karen: The old adage is true. It is lonely at the top. When you are a leader, people expect you to have all of the answers and to be steadfast and strong. We all have self-doubt, but as a leader, you cannot express that to your team, and so you internalize everything. That is why it is important to connect with other CEOs, but even there, initially, people will posture because they feel that they are held to a higher standard. It's wise for leaders to hang in with a like-minded group for an extended period of time to allow for trust to build. Having a safe place to share your fears and doubt is important, even for CEOs.
The Founder of the e-commerce site Ecomom, Jody Sherman, 47, took his own life, in 2013; Sherman's not alone, as there were others before and since. What resources would you recommend for entrepreneurs to access before they reach the point of desperation?
Cynthia: For entrepreneurs, the perceived (and sometimes actual) stakes are higher if failure occurs, and so exposure to the thought of suicide is greater. Failure for them is much more public than failure for others. If there's a chance an entrepreneur could lose their job, company or funding, it creates greater pressure for success. Society can do much better about disseminating and making available helpful resources before people reach the point of desperation, as Jody did. Feelings for suicide are overwhelming and sometimes frequent, but temporary, so if you call or talk to someone on a hotline (National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255) or someone you know who you feel comfortable with, it can mitigate those temporary feelings. Suicide Prevention hotlines are valuable resources now available across the globe. The Internet is good for these resources as well, allowing people to talk to someone, either by phone or email, creating a safe space for anyone to tell the truth. Entrepreneurs may prefer these types of resources that are private and not privy to people in their lives or networks.
Does a certain type of person become an entrepreneur?
Karen: To become a first-time entrepreneur you either have a high tolerance for risk or you have someone in your network who has a high tolerance for risk who encourages you to move forward with your idea. People who exhibit high levels of risk tolerance are future-oriented thinkers. They love living in the world of ideas and possibilities. They ask the question “What if?" and you need to pair that ideation energy with a drive for getting things done (executing, not sitting on ideas with no sense of urgency or direction).
Why are there so many more entrepreneurs today?
Karen: People have become disenchanted with the idea of working for a company for their entire career, and they are looking for freedom and flexibility in their lives. Work is no longer the most important thing in people's lives. They are looking for experiences, and want flexibility to enjoy life. The internet has played a role in the upswing of entrepreneurs as it has shown people what is possible.
What should new entrepreneurs know about the unspoken risks of the going “all-in" career path?
Karen: The entrepreneurial path is not for the faint of heart. It is tough! It can be all consuming. You never completely walk away from it. You wake up in the middle of the night thinking about challenges that you face in the business. Even if you take time off, which you definitely should, you can't stop thinking about your next moves. The good news is, once you build a strong team around you, that burdens is lighter, as you recognize your team will manage the day-to-day while you are away and you are able to move back into the world of possibilities.
What are some of the common misconceptions about the character traits of entrepreneurs?
Karen: The most common misconception I see regarding entrepreneur character traits is that entrepreneurs have to be competitive, have a high tolerance for risk, and have a relentless ability to ideate and execute in order to be successful. But as I said before, stereotyping anyone is dangerous. Many entrepreneurs may have these traits, but they also have unique traits that aren't stereotypically associated with go-getter entrepreneurs. Some are very focused on people and tend to build happy and productive teams. Others are focused on data and keep a close eye on metrics. All need to understand their unique gifts and how to lead from those gifts, but there is no one-size-fits-all entrepreneur profile that people can compare themselves to.
Though launching a company will always be a wild ride, full of ups and downs, there are things entrepreneurs can do to help keep their lives from spiraling out of control. Most importantly, making time for friends and loved ones is paramount. Don't let your business squeeze out your connections with actual people; they will, oftentimes, help to keep you grounded when it's needed most. Never be afraid to ask for help, and see a mental health professional if you are experiencing symptoms of significant anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, suicidal thoughts or any degree of depression.
Something as simple as a brisk 20-minute walk each day will go a long way to help clear the mind of nagging thoughts while getting much-needed exercise, which can also boost your mood. Though sleepless nights are often an entrepreneur's reality, set aside at least seven hours, for sleep, each night. Lastly, make the effort to eat a well-balanced meal, every day. Adequate nutrition, rest and exercise can significantly enhance one's mindset and help to maintain a healthy balance that will be needed to endure those particularly trying moments when they surface.
The Armchair Psychologist has all the answers you need!
Help! I'm Stumped By Sperm
Dear Armchair Psychologist,
I just started intermittent fasting and things have been going well so far. Like I already noticed a few pounds off. BUT! I'm afraid it's taking a toll on my relatively new relationship. With intermittent fasting, I'm supposed to stop eating at 8pm and begin again at noon the following day. My boyfriend prefers PM BJs and I'm wondering if semen consumption will affect my fasts?
- Calorie Counter
Dear Calorie Counter,
I'm happy to hear that you're staying healthy during the quarantine and that both your sex drives are intact. The popular intermittent fasting, which requires cycles of fasting, has many proven health benefits, and it's great that you're achieving the results you want. I'm no "jiz wiz," but I'd imagine not swallowing his semen may be an option? Though you're not alone in being stumped by sperm and its effects on your health. (To be clear, sperm is the reproductive cell and semen is the fluid that keeps it all moving.) A myriad of chat rooms are devoted to this very topic of fasting and semen.
I once dated an unhealthy eater and remember distinctly feeling compromised by his output, thinking I'd become contaminated. Thankfully, according to Dr Justin Lehmiller of Sex and Psychology, "It is pretty clear that as long as the male partner is uninfected and the receptive partner is not allergic to his semen (HSP) it is unlikely that swallowing semen will have any negative effects on one's health."
While semen does contain fructose, amino acids, proteins, and more, it's still mostly 80% water, so not a very high caloric intake unless you swallow gallons. The amount of calories consumed from swallowing semen is very negligible (1-7 calories). Each ejaculation is generally from 1/4 of a teaspoon to 1 teaspoon in size. However, swallowing semen digests in the same way as food, so it is true that you're technically breaking your fast.
I'm also assuming that your sex acts are mutually agreed upon. If they aren't and you feel forced into something that you aren't comfortable with, I recommended you seek help with a qualified therapist.
Since your fast is for purely personal health purposes, (during a religious fast, for example, you'd technically be breaking fast by swallowing semen), I think it may be worth consuming a few calories to keep your sex life alive in these trying times. But if you insist on not breaking your fast, just spit it out and don't quench the appetite for fire and desire!
- The Armchair Psychologist
Help! I'm Sick Of Talking Sick!
Dear Armchair Psychologist,
My fiance and I live apart due to immigration proceedings. The problem is that COVID-19 is dulling our passion. How do we keep things hot and spicy when we're thousands of miles away and all we seem to talk about is this freaking pandemic? We can't even get into doing sexy videos, because we've got COVID on the brain. And we're very sexual like 50 shades of you know what…
- Shut Up Already
Dear Shut Up Already,
I'm sorry you're frustrated and can't seem to escape the COVID-19 topic. Many of us are in the same boat, and it's easy for our anxieties and fears to rule us during these trying times. I also have an unhealthy obsession with the virus, and it partly stems from the fear of dying. Anytime someone young without underlying medical conditions dies, I am both mystified and terrified, thinking it could happen to me.
If your fiance is genuinely immobilized and hindered by his fears, it is wise to suggest he sees a licensed professional to address this. Otherwise, it's important to listen to him and let him safely discuss his thoughts. We rely on our partners to hear us and to love us, even if we may not share their sentiments ourselves. His circumstances in his location may also differ from yours, which might lend a different perspective. Regardless, you should get your sex life back. There are many tactful ways of changing subjects to get your mojo back on. The word "anyhoo" has worked wonders for some.
There's also this great book "Staying Sane in an Insane World: A Prescription for Even Better Mental Health" by family therapist Kiaundra Jackson that offers lots of tips on how to change the subjects gracefully. ANYHOO, hope this works and you can both get back to your 50 shades of something...
- The Armchair Psychologist