Photo courtesy of Amy Andersson
2min readBusiness 09 August 2019
My earliest memories of wanting to be a conductor were of me as a 10 year old, grabbing the chopsticks from my parents takeout Chinese food bag, tearing off the paper wrapper and standing in front of the TV waving my "baton" at the screen while the Boston Pops played a concert. I was fully convinced that I was in control of the music, conducting before a large crowd and fully immersed in the glorious sound of violins.
Now years later, having conducted concerts in 22 countries and with over 90 different orchestras, I look back and wonder how I persevered in a male-dominated field and found the courage to rise through the ranks. Encouragement did not actually come fully from my parents. Although we were a musical family, enjoyed music at home and were encouraged to take piano lessons, supporting me in pursuit of a professional conducting career was something my parents were not fully equipped to do. My dad had particular worries about how I would ever make a living, and his notion of a conductor was an older white male, with a mane of silver hair who stood commandingly on the podium.
But something in me lit on fire as I waved those chopsticks at the TV screen, and it never left me. I started conducting my high school choir and ensembles at the local community college and eventually went on to study conducting as an undergraduate and graduate student. It was not until I moved to Germany right after receiving my Masters of Music degree in conducting that I fully understood the prejudices toward women on the podium. I had a few lucky breaks when I landed in Germany and soon after jumped into leading full scale opera productions. But people, and surprising numbers of women, would ask me, "Why are you conducting? You should be home having kids and polishing your husband's shoes."
Once I had an interview in Germany at a large opera house where I was hoping they would engage me as guest conductor or staff conductor. An older gruff, male artistic director of the company proceeded to sternly instruct me, two minutes into my interview, to go home and write a 15 page essay explaining why I wanted to be a conductor and why I felt I deserved to be a conductor and return it to him. I was speechless, my face flushed with anger, as I asked him over and over again to explain why I should have to do this. I was ushered out of the interview and in a state of shock, went home and actually took out a legal yellow pad and began to scribble notes. I threw it down after a short time and decided that if my resume did not speak loudly enough to my many accomplishments, then that particular opera house was not the place for me. I also was pretty sure that being a young aspiring FEMALE conductor was the reason for this experience.
I worked for more than a decade in Europe, conducted productions in opera houses, toured with top youth orchestras, taught at the University of Berlin and continued to advance my career. It was when I decided to start a family that I heard comments like, "I feel sorry for your children." Or "I bet your kids miss their mom." I realized that it was a veiled way of saying that women really don't belong in this type of job, and that it takes too much time and energy to do a "man's work."
But my inner strength was never in short supply in my mind, and I conducted festivals and concerts with great successes. Looking back I realize that every stone that was put in my path only energized me to be better, work harder, be stronger and to never, ever give up. It served me well through the years. I toured for two years to 14 countries doing a live to picture show and encountered fierce sexism from the producer who hired me. He would inspect my clothes, come into my dressing room, examine my shoes, comment on my makeup and warn me not to be too strong, but to be sweeter. That fueled my desire to become my own producer.
After two years of international touring, I wanted to be the captain of my own ship, do my own projects and not be hassled for my eyeliner. So, after retiring from that tour I founded Orchestra Moderne NYC, a top level ensemble in New York City that plays culturally relatable music with a focus on social justice. Our first debut was a Carnegie Hall concert honoring immigrants called, The Journey to America: From Repression to Freedom. The topic of immigration was a hot button issue during the 2016 presidential campaign. I felt so passionate about honoring immigrants who have come to this country that I constructed an entire concert devoted to the subject. From that successful launch, I realized that the only thing that would ever hold me back, would be my own doubts, not anybody else's. And I had no doubts.
Our upcoming concert is September 20th, 2019 at Alice Tully Hall, Lincoln Center in NYC. After the immigrants concert, I began researching the lives of strong women from the past eight hundred years, and found activists of uncommon strength, courage and valor whose fearlessness changed the course of history. I wanted to honor the strength and heroism of activists past and present who have fought for civil and human rights, against climate change and gender equality and for the right of every girl to an education. Thus Women Warriors: The Voices of Change was born.
I teamed with award-wining Hollywood female composers to create a timely and
inspiring concert. With moving documentary footage and rich and emotional symphonic music, the concert will give hope and voice to women and girls around the world. The project that has taken nearly two years; I am in charge of hiring, fundraising, programming, producing, conducting and just about everything else. I gladly carry the stress of doing everything myself because I know women are strong, women are courageous, and women get the job done.
I am the sum total of all of the experiences in my life. Every difficulty, challenge, loss, pain, as well as victory, joy and success has shaped me into the strong and confident woman I have become. Women Warriors: The Voices of Change is the result of perseverance, resilience, and mental tenacity, coupled with the belief that I am as good as any man. If I encounter any resistance to what I am doing, I just remember that I am captain of my own ship.
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Help! My Friend Is a No Show
Dear Armchair Psychologist,
I have a friend who doesn't reply to my messages about meeting for dinner, etc. Although, last week I ran into her at a local restaurant of mine, it has always been awkward to be friends with her. Should I continue our friendship or discontinue it? We've been friends for a total four years and nothing has changed. I don't feel as comfortable with her as my other close friends, and I don't think I'll ever be able to reach that comfort zone in pure friendship.
Dear Sadsies,I am sorry to hear you've been neglected by your friend. You may already have the answer to your question, since you're evaluating the non-existing bond between yourself and your friend. However, I'll gladly affirm to you that a friendship that isn't reciprocated is not a good friendship.
I have had a similar situation with a friend whom I'd grown up with but who was also consistently a very negative person, a true Debby Downer. One day, I just had enough of her criticism and vitriol. I stopped making excuses for her and dumped her. It was a great decision and I haven't looked back. With that in mind, it could be possible that something has changed in your friend's life, but it's insignificant if she isn't responding to you. It's time to dump her and spend your energy where it's appreciated. Don't dwell on this friend. History is not enough to create a lasting bond, it only means just that—you and your friend have history—so let her be history!
- The Armchair Psychologist