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Being A Dominatrix Taught Me How To Become A Badass In Life And In Business

Business

You walk into that upscale networking event, the one you have been itching to go to so that you can make some higher quality connections, but suddenly you find you are in full out comparison mode. Is your outfit up to snuff, are you too old/too young to be here, do you have enough credentials to do what you are doing.


Is your outfit up to snuff, are you too old/too young to be here, do you have enough credentials to do what you are doing.

Argh!!

Why does that always happen, this is precisely where you need to be, yet somehow you can’t stop the constant self-doubt.

Women are famous for this. We have mastered the art of being mean to ourselves. Continually comparing who we are and what we have done to others.

The thing is, we are far from fair when we do it, and it stops us from showing up as a Badass in our life and our business.

Now, let me first clarify what a Badass actually is. Media has traditionally portrayed her as a woman who you can’t say No to. She’s callus, maybe a little manipulative, and will stop at nothing to get the sale. She works 80 hours a week and never misses an opportunity to sell, sell, sell.

To me, this describes the masculine model of “push”, the belief that going for something bigger means living with discomfort and pain. This is the hustle and grind approach that leads to burnout and illness.

To me a Badass is someone who knows her value, is at ease with her body and how she shows up in the world. She attracts people to work with her, compelling them with her passion. Never forced, she seems to create things as if by magic, all the while having time for friends and family.

Anyone that comes to mind? There might be the odd woman who is born with this talent, but the good news for the rest of us is that these skills of becoming a Badass are all things that we can develop.

For me, I began my journey towards becoming a Badass when I became a Dominatrix.

Now, while this line of work is not most people’s first choice on the path to self-discovery, it’s who I had to become in order to stand in my power. The role changed how I showed up in my business and in my life.

If you have only ever seen the Hollywood version of the Dominatrix, it would seem that it is about power over another person, yet I can tell you from personal experience, everything that happens in the dungeon is actually pre-negotiated and is centered around the client.

The Dominatrix is in charge of holding the space and controlling all aspects of the scene so that the client can surrender fully. That surrender allows the client to shed all of the outside pressures and allow someone else to be in charge for just a little while. It takes courage to let go in that way, and it takes strength to hold that scene for another. A Dominatrix is, in fact, a high-level service position!

I had to quickly learn how to authentically be the one in charge, to be confident. Faking it would not work, so I had to become that person.

For almost two decades, I managed a chain of wellness centers and now operate my own professional coaching and speaking practice. Bringing those skills from the dungeon into my business has been invaluable. Looking back on my failures, I can pinpoint exactly what went wrong, and when I wasn’t using those same skills - missteps and old habits.

The good news is that you don’t have to put on the black pleather and boots in order to learn from the archetype of the Dominatrix and become more of a Badass in your own life.

Here are some practical tips you can apply today:

1. Never say sorry

When you are in the dungeon, and your submissive is blindfolded and fixed to an apparatus while you are flogging them, the very worst thing they could ever hear is “oops!”. You will instantly ruin the scene, and all of the trust that they had in you will be gone in that second.

It is the same thing in business!

Constantly apologizing will put you out of your power, and worse than that, others will begin to question your expertise and their decision to work with you.

Instead of “Sorry…” start every email you write for the next week with “Thank you...”

Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for your understanding. Thank you for being so amazing to work with.

Each “thank you” releases a tiny hit of dopamine for the client and that helps to disperse the frustration they may have had if you started with “Sorry,” and it keeps you standing firmly in your power.

2. Be willing to lose

Very few of us have the precious time or money to just throw away, yet the irony is that the harder you work to make sure you hang on to these things, the more likely you are to lose them.

The lessons we take from people who have had incredible successes, the Oprah’s and the Elon Musk’s of the world, is that it takes great leaps of faith to get that big and they’ve learned how to play all-in, without putting attachments on the outcome.

When we try to force something to happen, we are less connected to what is actually happening and are hindered from being responsive to what is right in front of us.

The Dominatrix takes time to script out a scene based on all the elements that were negotiated, but when she steps in the dungeon, she releases the need for that script to play out exactly as planned. She must stay present to what is actually happening. Things rarely go as scripted, but when she is fully present they will remain on track, and the submissive is able to relax knowing that she is fully in charge.

So make your plans, pull out the map of what you would like to happen and then be willing to chuck it all in the ‘F*ck it Bucket’ the moment it no longer works.

3. Negotiate like a Dominatrix

My time studying to become a Dominatrix taught me some incredible mindset skills, with negotiation skills at the top of that list.

In the dungeon, every single detail is discussed prior to starting a scene. You talk about what is okay, what is not okay and what is a not right now – for both players! Where there is overlap is what is explored in the scene. There is no room for compromise; it is win/win or no deal.

To become a Badass, you can learn from the Dominatrix and create your own list of what you are willing and not willing to do and what is a maybe, under the right circumstances.

Having your list mapped out ahead of time will stop you from falling back into old patterns, and will allow you to achieve more of your goals for the long term.

The lesson here isn’t that life can start feeling ‘easy’. Life is going to get uncomfortable. But I invite you to learn to ride the waves of challenges in a way that will bring greater ease and less long-term damage; standing in the inner power that you know you possess; listening for cues and surrendering to what needs to be done in order to earn a greater reward.

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Health

Patriarchy Stress Disorder is A Real Thing and this Psychologist Is Helping Women Overcome It

For decades, women have been unknowingly suffering from PSD and intergenerational trauma, but now Dr. Valerie Rein wants women to reclaim their power through mind, body and healing tools.


As women, no matter how many accomplishments we have or how successful we look on the outside, we all occasionally hear that nagging internal voice telling us to do more. We criticize ourselves more than anyone else and then throw ourselves into the never-ending cycle of self-care, all in effort to save ourselves from crashing into this invisible internal wall. According to psychologist, entrepreneur and author, Dr. Valerie Rein, these feelings are not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you— but chances are you definitely suffering from Patriarchy Stress Disorder.


Patriarchy Stress Disorder (PSD) is defined as the collective inherited trauma of oppression that forms an invisible inner barrier to women's happiness and fulfillment. The term was coined by Rein who discovered a missing link between trauma and the effects that patriarchal power structures have had on certain groups of people all throughout history up until the present day. Her life experience, in addition to research, have led Rein to develop a deeper understanding of the ways in which men and women are experiencing symptoms of trauma and stress that have been genetically passed down from previously oppressed generations.

What makes the discovery of this disorder significant is that it provides women with an answer to the stresses and trauma we feel but cannot explain or overcome. After being admitted to the ER with stroke-like symptoms one afternoon, when Rein noticed the left side of her body and face going numb, she was baffled to learn from her doctors that the results of her tests revealed that her stroke-like symptoms were caused by stress. Rein was then left to figure out what exactly she did for her clients in order for them to be able to step into the fullness of themselves that she was unable to do for herself. "What started seeping through the tears was the realization that I checked all the boxes that society told me I needed to feel happy and fulfilled, but I didn't feel happy or fulfilled and I didn't feel unhappy either. I didn't feel much of anything at all, not even stress," she stated.

Photo Courtesy of Dr. Valerie Rein

This raised the question for Rein as to what sort of hidden traumas women are suppressing without having any awareness of its presence. In her evaluation of her healing methodology, Rein realized that she was using mind, body and trauma healing tools with her clients because, while they had never experienced a traumatic event, they were showing the tell-tale symptoms of trauma which are described as a disconnect from parts of ourselves, body and emotions. In addition to her personal evaluation, research at the time had revealed that traumatic experiences are, in fact, passed down genetically throughout generations. This was Rein's lightbulb moment. The answer to a very real problem that she, and all women, have been experiencing is intergenerational trauma as a result of oppression formed under the patriarchy.

Although Rein's discovery would undoubtably change the way women experience and understand stress, it was crucial that she first broaden the definition of trauma not with the intention of catering to PSD, but to better identify the ways in which trauma presents itself in the current generation. When studying psychology from the books and diagnostic manuals written exclusively by white men, trauma was narrowly defined as a life-threatening experience. By that definition, not many people fit the bill despite showing trauma-like symptoms such as disconnections from parts of their body, emotions and self-expression. However, as the field of psychology has expanded, more voices have been joining the conversations and expanding the definition of trauma based on their lived experience. "I have broadened the definition to say that any experience that makes us feel unsafe psychically or emotionally can be traumatic," stated Rein. By redefining trauma, people across the gender spectrum are able to find validation in their experiences and begin their journey to healing these traumas not just for ourselves, but for future generations.

While PSD is not experienced by one particular gender, as women who have been one of the most historically disadvantaged and oppressed groups, we have inherited survival instructions that express themselves differently for different women. For some women, this means their nervous systems freeze when faced with something that has been historically dangerous for women such as stepping into their power, speaking out, being visible or making a lot of money. Then there are women who go into fight or flight mode. Although they are able to stand in the spotlight, they pay a high price for it when their nervous system begins to work in a constant state of hyper vigilance in order to keep them safe. These women often find themselves having trouble with anxiety, intimacy, sleeping or relaxing without a glass of wine or a pill. Because of this, adrenaline fatigue has become an epidemic among high achieving women that is resulting in heightened levels of stress and anxiety.

"For the first time, it makes sense that we are not broken or making this up, and we have gained this understanding by looking through the lens of a shared trauma. All of these things have been either forbidden or impossible for women. A woman's power has always been a punishable offense throughout history," stated Rein.

Although the idea of having a disorder may be scary to some and even potentially contribute to a victim mentality, Rein wants people to be empowered by PSD and to see it as a diagnosis meant to validate your experience by giving it a name, making it real and giving you a means to heal yourself. "There are still experiences in our lives that are triggering PSD and the more layers we heal, the more power we claim, the more resilience we have and more ability we have in staying plugged into our power and happiness. These triggers affect us less and less the more we heal," emphasized Rein. While the task of breaking intergenerational transmission of trauma seems intimidating, the author has flipped the negative approach to the healing journey from a game of survival to the game of how good can it get.

In her new book, Patriarchy Stress Disorder: The Invisible Barrier to Women's Happiness and Fulfillment, Rein details an easy system for healing that includes the necessary tools she has sourced over 20 years on her healing exploration with the pioneers of mind, body and trauma resolution. Her 5-step system serves to help "Jailbreakers" escape the inner prison of PSD and other hidden trauma through the process of Waking Up in Prison, Meeting the Prison Guards, Turning the Prison Guards into Body Guards, Digging the Tunnel to Freedom and Savoring Freedom. Readers can also find free tools on Rein's website to help aid in their healing journey and exploration.

"I think of the book coming out as the birth of a movement. Healing is not women against men– it's women, men and people across the gender spectrum, coming together in a shared understanding that we all have trauma and we can all heal."

https://www.drvalerie.com/