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Being A Dominatrix Taught Me How To Become A Badass In Life And In Business

Business

You walk into that upscale networking event, the one you have been itching to go to so that you can make some higher quality connections, but suddenly you find you are in full out comparison mode. Is your outfit up to snuff, are you too old/too young to be here, do you have enough credentials to do what you are doing.


Is your outfit up to snuff, are you too old/too young to be here, do you have enough credentials to do what you are doing.

Argh!!

Why does that always happen, this is precisely where you need to be, yet somehow you can’t stop the constant self-doubt.

Women are famous for this. We have mastered the art of being mean to ourselves. Continually comparing who we are and what we have done to others.

The thing is, we are far from fair when we do it, and it stops us from showing up as a Badass in our life and our business.

Now, let me first clarify what a Badass actually is. Media has traditionally portrayed her as a woman who you can’t say No to. She’s callus, maybe a little manipulative, and will stop at nothing to get the sale. She works 80 hours a week and never misses an opportunity to sell, sell, sell.

To me, this describes the masculine model of “push”, the belief that going for something bigger means living with discomfort and pain. This is the hustle and grind approach that leads to burnout and illness.

To me a Badass is someone who knows her value, is at ease with her body and how she shows up in the world. She attracts people to work with her, compelling them with her passion. Never forced, she seems to create things as if by magic, all the while having time for friends and family.

Anyone that comes to mind? There might be the odd woman who is born with this talent, but the good news for the rest of us is that these skills of becoming a Badass are all things that we can develop.

For me, I began my journey towards becoming a Badass when I became a Dominatrix.

Now, while this line of work is not most people’s first choice on the path to self-discovery, it’s who I had to become in order to stand in my power. The role changed how I showed up in my business and in my life.

If you have only ever seen the Hollywood version of the Dominatrix, it would seem that it is about power over another person, yet I can tell you from personal experience, everything that happens in the dungeon is actually pre-negotiated and is centered around the client.

The Dominatrix is in charge of holding the space and controlling all aspects of the scene so that the client can surrender fully. That surrender allows the client to shed all of the outside pressures and allow someone else to be in charge for just a little while. It takes courage to let go in that way, and it takes strength to hold that scene for another. A Dominatrix is, in fact, a high-level service position!

I had to quickly learn how to authentically be the one in charge, to be confident. Faking it would not work, so I had to become that person.

For almost two decades, I managed a chain of wellness centers and now operate my own professional coaching and speaking practice. Bringing those skills from the dungeon into my business has been invaluable. Looking back on my failures, I can pinpoint exactly what went wrong, and when I wasn’t using those same skills - missteps and old habits.

The good news is that you don’t have to put on the black pleather and boots in order to learn from the archetype of the Dominatrix and become more of a Badass in your own life.

Here are some practical tips you can apply today:

1. Never say sorry

When you are in the dungeon, and your submissive is blindfolded and fixed to an apparatus while you are flogging them, the very worst thing they could ever hear is “oops!”. You will instantly ruin the scene, and all of the trust that they had in you will be gone in that second.

It is the same thing in business!

Constantly apologizing will put you out of your power, and worse than that, others will begin to question your expertise and their decision to work with you.

Instead of “Sorry…” start every email you write for the next week with “Thank you...”

Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for your understanding. Thank you for being so amazing to work with.

Each “thank you” releases a tiny hit of dopamine for the client and that helps to disperse the frustration they may have had if you started with “Sorry,” and it keeps you standing firmly in your power.

2. Be willing to lose

Very few of us have the precious time or money to just throw away, yet the irony is that the harder you work to make sure you hang on to these things, the more likely you are to lose them.

The lessons we take from people who have had incredible successes, the Oprah’s and the Elon Musk’s of the world, is that it takes great leaps of faith to get that big and they’ve learned how to play all-in, without putting attachments on the outcome.

When we try to force something to happen, we are less connected to what is actually happening and are hindered from being responsive to what is right in front of us.

The Dominatrix takes time to script out a scene based on all the elements that were negotiated, but when she steps in the dungeon, she releases the need for that script to play out exactly as planned. She must stay present to what is actually happening. Things rarely go as scripted, but when she is fully present they will remain on track, and the submissive is able to relax knowing that she is fully in charge.

So make your plans, pull out the map of what you would like to happen and then be willing to chuck it all in the ‘F*ck it Bucket’ the moment it no longer works.

3. Negotiate like a Dominatrix

My time studying to become a Dominatrix taught me some incredible mindset skills, with negotiation skills at the top of that list.

In the dungeon, every single detail is discussed prior to starting a scene. You talk about what is okay, what is not okay and what is a not right now – for both players! Where there is overlap is what is explored in the scene. There is no room for compromise; it is win/win or no deal.

To become a Badass, you can learn from the Dominatrix and create your own list of what you are willing and not willing to do and what is a maybe, under the right circumstances.

Having your list mapped out ahead of time will stop you from falling back into old patterns, and will allow you to achieve more of your goals for the long term.

The lesson here isn’t that life can start feeling ‘easy’. Life is going to get uncomfortable. But I invite you to learn to ride the waves of challenges in a way that will bring greater ease and less long-term damage; standing in the inner power that you know you possess; listening for cues and surrendering to what needs to be done in order to earn a greater reward.

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Career

2020 is Around the Corner: Here's How To Design Your Next Decade

Personally, I am over the top excited that we are on the cusp of turning the page on not only a new year but also on a new 10-year window of opportunities and possibilities!

You may be thinking, whoa…I am just embracing the fall season…yikes… it is tough to think about a new decade!


Yet it is this groundwork, this forward thought that you put in place TODAY that will propel you and lead you into greatness in 2020 and beyond. Designing a new decade rests in your ability to vision, in your willingness to be curious, in your awareness of where you are now and what you most want to curate. Essentially, curating what's next is about tapping into today with confidence, conviction, and decision. Leading YOU starts now. This is your new next. It is your choice.

Sometimes to get to that 'next', you need to take a step back to reflect. Please pardon my asking you to spend time in yesterday. Those who know me personally, know that I created and continue to grow my business based on enabling the present moment as a springboard for living your legacy. So, indulge me here! True, I am asking you to peek into the past, yet it is only in order for you to bring the essence of that past forward into this moment called NOW.

One of the best ways to tap into what's next is to clarify what drives you. To design a new decade, ask yourself this question about the past ten years:

What worked? What were my successes?

Make a list of your achievements big and small. Don't type them, but rather use ink and paper and sit with and savor them. Move your thoughts and your successes from your head, to your heart, to your pen, to the paper. Remember that on the flip side of goals not attained and New Year's resolutions abandoned, there was more than likely some traction and action that moved you forward, even if the end result was not what you expected. Once you have a full list of a decade's worth of personal and professional accomplishments, think about how this makes you feel. Do you remember celebrating all of them? My guess is no. So, celebrate them now. Give them new life by validating them. Circle the successes that resonate with you most right now. Where can you lean into those accomplishments as you power into the decade ahead?

Now comes a tougher question, one that I used myself in my own mid-life reinvention and a question I adore because in a moment's time it provides you with a quick reconnect to your unique inner voice.

If it were 10 years ago and nothing were standing in your way, no fear or excuses to contend with…what would you do?

Don't overthink it. The brilliance of this question is that it refocuses purpose. Whatever first came to mind when you answered this for yourself is at its core a powerful insight into defining and redefining the FUTURE decade. Bring your answer into the light of today and what small piece of it is actionable NOW? Where is this resonating and aligning with a 2019 version of yourself?

Then, based on your success list and your answer to the above question, what is your 2020 vision for your business and for the business of YOU?

Designing a new decade begins as a collection of 3,650 opportunities. 3,650 blank slates of new days ahead in which to pivot and propel yourself forward. Every single one of those days is a window into your legacy. An invitation to be, create, explore, and chip away at this thing we call life. One 24-hour segment at a time.

While you have a decade ahead to work on design improvements, you have the ability to begin manifesting this project of YOU Version 2020 right NOW. Based on exploring the exercises in this post, begin executing your vision. Ask questions. Be present. Let go of 2019 and the past 10 years so that you can embrace the next 10. Position acceptance and self-trust at the forefront of how you lead you. One choice at a time.

Don't get bogged down in the concept of the next 10 years. Instead position clarity and intention into each new day, starting today. Then chase every one of those intentions with an in-the-moment commitment and solution toward living a legendary life!