Culture 19 July 2018
Over four years ago, actress and writer Yvonne Wandera had a conversation that would change her life—and the lives of other women around the globe. “My friend happened to be of color and Muslim. This was at the height of Islamophobia and general fear. She was born and raised in a small community in New York that she loved and knew well,” says Wandera. “In our intimate conversations, she revealed to me that people she went to school with, grew up with, and saw everyday were now looking at her with fear in their eyes.”
This revelation moved Wandera to the core, prompting her to put pen to paper and write (plus star in) the groundbreaking and acclaimed short film InflatableK. It’s the story of how a spirited Muslim woman spends the last day before her wedding, touching on themes of isolation and loneliness. “This deeply upsetting sense of isolation was something I wanted to get across in the film,” she explains. “I’m touched that we’ve received messages from young women across the world, who feel this spoke to them and was telling their story.”
Yvonne Wandera, Lindsey McKeon and Shruti Sadana pose for a picture during the #OwnHero tour. Photo Courtesy of Janet Mayer
That nerve the film hit on became the catalyst to a bigger movement, a female war cry if you will, in the wake of the female revolutions sparking movements such as #MeToo and #TimesUp. With women demanding for their voices be heard, Wandera knew the mission of InflatableK didn’t end with the final credits—its power needed to go on the road. With that, the #OwnHero Tour was born out of another profound conversation Wandera engaged in. This time it was with a young woman, incredibly moved after watching Inflatable K, who asked Wandera to define female empowerment.
“I could have strung some sentences together and added a few big words that sounded intelligent—or I could tell the truth—which is what I chose,” recalls Wandera. “I told her I’d spent my entire life marching and championing causes, but I had no idea what empowerment really looked like in my private space.” It was from there that Wandera set on her journey and brought together educators, collaborators, and ambassadors to curate the #OwnHero Tour curriculum and events. Wandera, with ambassadors including her InflatableK co-star Shruti Sadana and other inspiring women in media/entertainment such as Supernatural star Lindsey McKeon and actress Elisa Donovan (Clueless), now take these events to universities throughout the USA—with broadcasts to female groups in Malaysia. The goal? Light the spark for deep and honest discussions about female empowerment: what it really means, how it really shows up and the meaning it places in our daily lives. The curriculum provides tangible tools for the attendees to bring home and put it into motion.
Deeming it the #OwnHero Tour summed up what Wandera and her ambassadors want their participants to take away from the events. It’s a challenge to find their inner strength while reassuring these women that when all else fails, they can always depend on themselves. “There’s no knight in shining armor coming to save you. You have to stand up and save yourself—sometimes that means from your own thoughts and feelings,” says Wandera.“Being your own hero is about practicing every day to recognize the signs that may cause issues in your life and to address them. It’s an astute state of mindfulness and empowerment.”
And in the setting of the tour, #OwnHero is also about creating a shared space to learn from others while imparting your own experiences and wisdom. As Wandera explains, “A problem shared will no longer be a problem, as it will turn into multiple solutions.”
Being part of the solution is what drew the attention of young Hollywood into joining the #OwnHero revolution. McKeon wants to empower women to support each other and break away from any resistance fueled by jealousy and insecurity. “We must be able to recognize another woman’s beauty, creativity, strength, and importance and not feel that we have to cut her down in order to build ourselves up,” she says. Showing support and overcoming that fear of speaking up is a choice more and more women are leaning into. Sadana is proud to be part of that shift. “Let’s go back years ago, maybe to our parents’ generation, where women were supposed to get married and take care of the kids while their husbands went to work. Who came up with that idea? This is what we’ve been brought up ‘to believe,’” she says. “Today, women are more outspoken and overcoming a fear of ‘being heard.’ We are choosing to create something different. We recognize that we have the power—and have had it all along.”
Donovan concurs. She joined the #OwnHero Tour and movement because in her past she fell victim to shifting everything—words, wardrobe, her true spirit and more—just to be, what she perceived, more likable. “Although it made me adept at reading situations and people, I lost so much of my voice and who I am in those negotiations with myself,” she recalls. “Imagine the infinite power we can harness when we step out of that false skin and create from the purest and strongest parts of ourselves? It is colossal. And it is beautiful!”
And, Donovan doesn’t believe that means shutting down or overpowering men. It means finding a way for both genders to come together and exchange ideas and support on an equal playing field. “There’s so much to be gained on both sides from one another, and when we don't have this pre-determined hierarchy of who is allowed to do and say what—that’s when monumental and awesome things happen.”
As the #OwnHero Tour continues to inspire and empower a new, fearless and outspoken generation, the tour ambassadors are using it as an opportunity to heal the frustration, shame, and even silence their younger selves had to endure.
McKeon wants her teenage self—and all teens joining the #OwnHero movement to just hold on for this ride. “It doesn’t matter whether people like you or support you— find what you’re interested in, wear what you want, and fucking be unique,” she says. “If you have no friends? Throw yourself into life. There’s so much here for you. So much more than playing in societies made up games. Oh, and break the damn rules!”
Wandera, however, wants to put those feelings of loneliness and despair into perspective. “I’d tell my 17-year-old self that what you feel isn’t a reflection of reality. There were always more people than I ever imagined who cared for me, had my back and were joyful I was in their life,” she explains. “It's easy to let your feelings and thoughts overwhelm you, but at that moment when you’re in your darkest place—open your eyes and literally and look at your phone. At least one person in your phone book will pick up your call and remind you that you’re valued and loved.”
That’s all it takes to gather the strength to be your own hero! To watch the film that started it all, check it out here.
" Too often, we criticize ourselves more than being our own biggest fan." -Shruti Sadana
My hope for Inflatable K was to reach audiences that felt like they could relate to the story. The isolation one feels but chooses not to talk about. The idea that someone who might seem happy on the surface is going through much more than you can even imagine.
You might think people may not understand what you’re feeling or going through especially when you’re seventeen. More often than not, someone else is probably feeling the same way you are. Remember, there are people in your life who truly care about you and want to be there for you. Most of the time I think people just want to be heard, have someone listen to them, or give them a hug. Reach out to someone you trust and someone who really gets you whether it’s a friend, a family member, or a teacher. And, find creative ways of expressing yourself whether it’s through writing, music, acting, painting, drawing, or whatever it might be that sparks your soul.
My hopes are that we encourage women to become their biggest hero instead of their own worst enemy. Too often, we criticize ourselves more than being our own biggest fan. I was invited to join this tour by two incredibly brilliant, beautiful, and smart women: Yvonne Wandera and Emeline Rodelas (Floor-RW) who created this inspirational curriculum. Yvonne and Emeline were behind Inflatable K, and the film is what transpired the movement. I am so grateful that I had the chance to be a part of this project. They were so passionate about what they wanted to do with the #OwnHero tour and asked if I would speak at their events.
I’ve my own hero by becoming confident and happy with who I am, by being comfortable in my own skin, and not being afraid to show it. Regardless of the criticism, rejection, the struggles and everything I face—I’ve learned so much and I continue to evolve and strive to be the best version of myself. I think others can be their own hero by being honest with themselves and not judging themselves for every mistake they’ve made. By not being afraid to share a piece of their truest selves with others. You’re beautiful in so many ways. Acknowledge your light, your love, your laughter, your kindness, your strength, and your truest self. Those around you see it and you should see it for yourself as well. You probably have no idea the amount of lives you’ve touched in a positive way by being who you are.
Female empowerment – Why are women being heard in ways they never have before? Let’s go back years ago to maybe our parents’ generation where women were supposed to get married and take care of the kids while their husbands went to work. Who came up with that idea? This is what we’ve been brought up “to believe.” Today, I think women are more outspoken and overcoming this fear of being heard. A lot of it has to do with fear. Women might have thought their voices “didn’t matter” because of the way society portrayed them in the past. It takes one person to speak up and then it creates a ripple effect! Now, we are choosing to create something different. We recognize that we have the power and have had it all along.
I would love to see females continue to use their voice. Your voice is one of the most powerful tools you have. Sharing your story could change someone’s life and also empower them. You never know how or who you’re impacting when you speak your truth. I’d love to see these new changes around the globe.
"It’s easy to let your feelings and thoughts overwhelm you, but at that moment, when you’re in your darkest place—open your eyes and literally and look at your phone." - Yvonne Wandera
Unfortunately, there are still many countries in the world where women don’t have as much freedom and feel like they can’t use their voice. I think anything comes from practice and continuing to do it. Change is also a process—it takes time. Each step does make a huge difference though. I think we’re headed in a whole new direction.
About four years ago, I had a conversation with a good friend of mine who happens to be of color and Muslim. This was at the height of Islamophobia and general fear. My friend was born and raised in New York, in a small community she knew well and loved. In our intimate conversations, she revealed to me that the hardest thing about it all was the fact that all the people she went to school with, grew up with, and neighbors she saw every day looked at her with some fear in their eyes. his revelation moved me to the core.
This deeply upsetting sense of isolation was something I wanted to get across in the film. I’m touched that we’ve received messages from young women across the world, who feel this spoke to them and was telling their story.
What I would say to my 17-year-old self, who like my character in Inflatable K, created a sanctuary in the car is: what you feel isn’t a reflection of reality. What I mean by that is, in reality, there were more people than I ever imagined who cared for me, had my back and were joyful I was in their life. It's easy to let your feelings and thoughts overwhelm you, but at that moment, when you’re in your darkest place—open your eyes and literally and look at your phone. At least one person in your phone book will pick up your call and remind you that you’re valued and loved.
"Imagine the infinite power we can harness when we step out of that false skin and create from the purest and strongest parts of ourselves? It is colossal."- Elisa Donovan. Photo Courtesy of Rodrigo
I love #OwnHero because it engenders action. It compels people to be participants in the cultivation of their own aspirations and goals in life. It ignites an accountability to create, move, speak, behave, in the ways we would like to see the world evolve. It empowers all of us as individuals to say 'How I move through the world matters. It has an effect. I can inspire and touch others the way those I look up to have inspired and moved me.'
Female empowerment in action: I see this as all females being able to express themselves fully and without reservation. To me, this means shedding that previously impervious layer that we all have carried around with us in order to make ourselves more appealing/less loud/less complicated, so that we take up less space. For so many years I either consciously or unconsciously shifted my stance, my words, my wardrobe, my intelligence, my humor, my spirit-- in order to be likable. Although it made me adept at reading situations and people, I lost so much of my voice and who I am in those sorts of negotiations with myself. Imagine the infinite power we can harness when we step out of that false skin and create from the purest and strongest parts of ourselves? It is colossal. And it is beautiful! To me, this is not about overpowering men, or shutting down men. Quite to the contrary-- it is about all of us coming to the table and exchanging ideas and talents on an equal playing field. There is so much to be gained on both sides from one another, and when we don't have this pre-determined hierarchy of who is allowed to do and say what, that is when monumental and awesome things happen.
Why has #MeToo had such an impact? Because it is a reality that has touched nearly every single female that I know. When the door was opened by these brave women who came forward first in a very public way, all of us felt our own floodgates open that had been kept shut for so long. And when they were opened, what came out was a tidal wave. What I have discovered in talking with men about this (I am obviously talking about good, respectable, awesome, men here-- not predators) is that many of them simply didn't really understand the volume of it, the breadth of it, how this resonates with every female on the planet to varying degrees. And secondarily, many didn't really understand the shame involved and the repercussions. They didn't understand why women don't report it or even talk about it. And that is a failure of our culture. Our silence has perpetuated that. This is why this movement is so vital-- it is shattering that belief system, de-stigmatizing abuse, which I believe will lead to massive change for the good.
For decades, women have been unknowingly suffering from PSD and intergenerational trauma, but now Dr. Valerie Rein wants women to reclaim their power through mind, body and healing tools.
As women, no matter how many accomplishments we have or how successful we look on the outside, we all occasionally hear that nagging internal voice telling us to do more. We criticize ourselves more than anyone else and then throw ourselves into the never-ending cycle of self-care, all in effort to save ourselves from crashing into this invisible internal wall. According to psychologist, entrepreneur and author, Dr. Valerie Rein, these feelings are not your fault and there is nothing wrong with you— but chances are you definitely suffering from Patriarchy Stress Disorder.
Patriarchy Stress Disorder (PSD) is defined as the collective inherited trauma of oppression that forms an invisible inner barrier to women's happiness and fulfillment. The term was coined by Rein who discovered a missing link between trauma and the effects that patriarchal power structures have had on certain groups of people all throughout history up until the present day. Her life experience, in addition to research, have led Rein to develop a deeper understanding of the ways in which men and women are experiencing symptoms of trauma and stress that have been genetically passed down from previously oppressed generations.
What makes the discovery of this disorder significant is that it provides women with an answer to the stresses and trauma we feel but cannot explain or overcome. After being admitted to the ER with stroke-like symptoms one afternoon, when Rein noticed the left side of her body and face going numb, she was baffled to learn from her doctors that the results of her tests revealed that her stroke-like symptoms were caused by stress. Rein was then left to figure out what exactly she did for her clients in order for them to be able to step into the fullness of themselves that she was unable to do for herself. "What started seeping through the tears was the realization that I checked all the boxes that society told me I needed to feel happy and fulfilled, but I didn't feel happy or fulfilled and I didn't feel unhappy either. I didn't feel much of anything at all, not even stress," she stated.
Photo Courtesy of Dr. Valerie Rein
This raised the question for Rein as to what sort of hidden traumas women are suppressing without having any awareness of its presence. In her evaluation of her healing methodology, Rein realized that she was using mind, body and trauma healing tools with her clients because, while they had never experienced a traumatic event, they were showing the tell-tale symptoms of trauma which are described as a disconnect from parts of ourselves, body and emotions. In addition to her personal evaluation, research at the time had revealed that traumatic experiences are, in fact, passed down genetically throughout generations. This was Rein's lightbulb moment. The answer to a very real problem that she, and all women, have been experiencing is intergenerational trauma as a result of oppression formed under the patriarchy.
Although Rein's discovery would undoubtably change the way women experience and understand stress, it was crucial that she first broaden the definition of trauma not with the intention of catering to PSD, but to better identify the ways in which trauma presents itself in the current generation. When studying psychology from the books and diagnostic manuals written exclusively by white men, trauma was narrowly defined as a life-threatening experience. By that definition, not many people fit the bill despite showing trauma-like symptoms such as disconnections from parts of their body, emotions and self-expression. However, as the field of psychology has expanded, more voices have been joining the conversations and expanding the definition of trauma based on their lived experience. "I have broadened the definition to say that any experience that makes us feel unsafe psychically or emotionally can be traumatic," stated Rein. By redefining trauma, people across the gender spectrum are able to find validation in their experiences and begin their journey to healing these traumas not just for ourselves, but for future generations.
While PSD is not experienced by one particular gender, as women who have been one of the most historically disadvantaged and oppressed groups, we have inherited survival instructions that express themselves differently for different women. For some women, this means their nervous systems freeze when faced with something that has been historically dangerous for women such as stepping into their power, speaking out, being visible or making a lot of money. Then there are women who go into fight or flight mode. Although they are able to stand in the spotlight, they pay a high price for it when their nervous system begins to work in a constant state of hyper vigilance in order to keep them safe. These women often find themselves having trouble with anxiety, intimacy, sleeping or relaxing without a glass of wine or a pill. Because of this, adrenaline fatigue has become an epidemic among high achieving women that is resulting in heightened levels of stress and anxiety.
"For the first time, it makes sense that we are not broken or making this up, and we have gained this understanding by looking through the lens of a shared trauma. All of these things have been either forbidden or impossible for women. A woman's power has always been a punishable offense throughout history," stated Rein.
Although the idea of having a disorder may be scary to some and even potentially contribute to a victim mentality, Rein wants people to be empowered by PSD and to see it as a diagnosis meant to validate your experience by giving it a name, making it real and giving you a means to heal yourself. "There are still experiences in our lives that are triggering PSD and the more layers we heal, the more power we claim, the more resilience we have and more ability we have in staying plugged into our power and happiness. These triggers affect us less and less the more we heal," emphasized Rein. While the task of breaking intergenerational transmission of trauma seems intimidating, the author has flipped the negative approach to the healing journey from a game of survival to the game of how good can it get.
In her new book, Patriarchy Stress Disorder: The Invisible Barrier to Women's Happiness and Fulfillment, Rein details an easy system for healing that includes the necessary tools she has sourced over 20 years on her healing exploration with the pioneers of mind, body and trauma resolution. Her 5-step system serves to help "Jailbreakers" escape the inner prison of PSD and other hidden trauma through the process of Waking Up in Prison, Meeting the Prison Guards, Turning the Prison Guards into Body Guards, Digging the Tunnel to Freedom and Savoring Freedom. Readers can also find free tools on Rein's website to help aid in their healing journey and exploration.
"I think of the book coming out as the birth of a movement. Healing is not women against men– it's women, men and people across the gender spectrum, coming together in a shared understanding that we all have trauma and we can all heal."