14 Min ReadPeople 20 February 2020
As women continue gaining more courage to speak out against sexual harassment across virtually all industries, from media to tech, and most recently entertainment; they have one woman they can look to for inspiration. Her name is Gretchen Carlson.
Arguably the mother of the modern day movement to end the “socially acceptable" climate of sexual harassment, Carlson famously paved the way for other women to confidently reclaim their power and voices after she filed a lawsuit in July of 2016 against Roger Ailes, Founder and Chief Executive Officer of Fox News. Although the allegations of sexual harassment against Ailes have been denied by the company, Fox News fired Ailes within a month that the suit was filed, and paid Carlson a $20M settlement.
Following the case, Carlson established The Gift Of Courage Fund, which focuses on supporting organizations that work with women, including survivors of sexual harassment, assault and abuse. Her ultimate goal with this project is to help girls and women realize their full potential and the bright future that awaits them.
Photograph by Brigitte Lacombe
After her first book, Getting Real, where she shares her tips and advice to finding success in the real world, Carlson is now sharing the “raw emotions" of what she went through during her 26 years in television, and before that as a young beauty queen, in her new book, Be Fierce: Stop Harassment And Take Your Power Back. Available for pre-order and officially launching on October 17, the part autobiography, part handbook, is meant to provide women with a virtual toolkit to step up against their harassers. Carlson says that although it wasn't easy to be this public about the injustices she faced, she decided to pen the narrative in order to empower the new generation of young women.
“Deciding to make my voice heard was the biggest decision of my life," Carlson wrote in an InStyle op-ed. “I worried about what it would do to my career and my two preteen children. But with my 50th birthday looming, I saw an opportunity. Women are socialized to look at 50 as a negative moment—when your body starts falling apart, you go through menopause, and you start looking older and maybe gain weight—and I wanted to defy that. I marked the milestone by speaking truth to power."
Even before becoming a well-known face on morning television, Carlson had to deal with sexual harassment. Ambitious, talented and hardworking, the blonde beauty decided she would one day become Miss America, and achieved it in 1989. Despite the glittering lights and sparkling crown, Carlson now shares that it was a dark time for her due to the ramifications of silently suffering through the unwanted sexual advances of male superiors.
“I was sexually assaulted twice during my Miss America year," Carlson wrote in the op-ed. “In The first time, it was by a high-powered television executive who had spent a day with me, making calls to agents and other TV executives, supposedly to help me get a job. After dinner, in the back seat of a car, he suddenly lunged at me, sticking his tongue down my throat. He was on top of me and I couldn't move. Flustered, shocked, and panicked, I somehow got away from him and screamed for the driver to stop the car. I ran up to a friend's apartment and just started bawling. Why did it happen? Didn't he want to help me? I thought he respected who I was. I didn't call the police for the same reasons many women still don't: No one will believe me. It will hurt my career. They'll wonder what I was wearing and if somehow I asked for it."
This fear that Carlson felt is the exact reason so few women decide to come forward and talk about being victimized by highers up in the workplace, she explains in an interview with SWAAY. To combat this common reaction, she is focused on giving women strength through community support. To that end, Carlson is donating all the proceeds of her book to Gift Of Courage Fund, and has established the Gretchen Carlson Leadership Initiative, a year-long national program meant to bring civic leadership and advocacy training to underserved women across the country. She will kick off a nine city tour in November, starting in Dallas, Fort Worth. According to Carlson, each stop will offer three days of workshops for underprivileged women across topics like sexual harassment, domestic violence, and how these women can be more civically and politically involved and have their voices heard.
“When you're silenced in that way you silence yourself your whole life," Carlson told SWAAY. “I really wanted to reach out to underserved women because one of the questions I keep getting is 'how do you help the single mom who is working two jobs, trying to make ends meet and is being sexually harassed? She can't quit her job.' It really gnawed at me. So, this initiative (which is free for all women to sign up for) is the beginning of the answer to that. And I'm really proud of it."
Here, we sit down with the inspirational Gretchen Carlson to get her take on workplace harassment, Harvey Weinstein, and why now is the time for the gender-biased subjugation and stomach-churning power plays to stop, once and for all.
What inspired you to write the book?
There are a few reasons. First one is, it's an excruciating choice to go up against a powerful man and I wanted to share my raw story and my personal experiences so my daughter and her generation don't have to face the same indignities in the workplace. Number two, because I heard from thousands of women after my story broke, and that really was one of the biggest surprises to me. I learned that sexual harassment is pervasive in every profession, from waitresses to Wall Street bankers, and everything in between. And, women felt comfortable sharing their stories with me, painful stories that many hadn't told anyone else, including their husbands. They said two things to me, 'you are the voice for the voiceless' and 'through you we have felt victorious.' Even though in their own stories they probably never saw anything close to victory, they felt it through my story being so public.I felt a sense of duty to give something back to them and keep this movement going, and look where we are today. So many more women have been given that gift of courage [which] I like to say is contagious. We are passing along a chain of inspiration one woman at a time. All these women now finally put a name and face out and spoke up against Harvey Weinstein, and that took immense courage. I know all too well what it took. This is why I didn't just go home and never be heard from again. I had to do something about this and I did it, and it's working now.
The release of your book couldn't be more perfectly timed. What do you think of all that's going on in terms of sexual harassment at this moment?
The floodgates are opening. Often times people don't think that a singular voice can make a difference but I'm living proof of that and I'm so proud if I had anything to do with these other women feeling that they have the courage to do the same thing. Susan Fowler from Uber personally told me that she would have never done it if she hadn't seen my story. I've been asked a lot 'would you do it again?' and the answer is yes. First and foremost, because I had to change the narrative for the next generation. And, when I realized that what I worked so hard for, for 25 years, was about to be gone, I knew I had to do something.
They say when you move to New York City, 'location, location, location' means everything. As for the book and this movement, it's all about 'timing, timing, timing.' Timing is so important. Look what happened with the Women's March; that came after my case but it kept the ball rolling. Women are saying 'we're not going to take it anymore. Enough already' in every aspect of our lives.
"Often times people don't think that a singular voice can make a difference but I'm living proof of that"
Carlson's new book - Be Fierce: Stop Harassment And Take Your Power Back.
If you could summarize the most important takeaway from your book, what would it be?I want people to know that this book is not just about sexual harassment. This book is about being fierce in your whole life, in any way that you feel you've been put down or subjugated, and that can start in elementary school when you're bullied. It can follow you all the way to college, where one in five women face sexual assault, which is why I'm doing a college campus tour. I will be speaking to both young men and women because it's so crucial that we get this message to them [Carlson is scheduled to speak at Duke, Yale, Stanford, Harvard and Drexel]. Then it moves to the workplace, and it's not just about harassment; it's pay inequity, it's about not getting the promotion you worked so hard for, or not getting the seat in the boardroom that you deserve. This is a rallying cry for all women to know that in the message of my book they will feel empowered to take on anything. I also want people to know my book is for men too. I have a whole chapter on men and the great work so many are doing to help the mission. That was a really important chapter and it ended up being the longest one because I found so many great men in my research. I also have a playbook chapter, where I tell women if they are faced with sexual harassment, here is what you need to do point by point, so they have a plan. I also have a parenting chapter, because It starts at home, and [the question of] how do we raise our boys and girls as equals [has never been more important].
"I want people to know my book is for men too. I have a whole chapter on men and the great work so many are doing to help the mission."
You give solutions in your book to eradicate sexual harassment once and for all; can you share a few?Often times what happens is women put up with it [for a long time], and then they suddenly decide one day 'I'm going to do something about it' and they go complain but they don't have a plan. You can't put the genie back in the bottle once you [speak up]. You have to document everything as well as tell trusted friends so you have alibis and evidence, that's number one. Every woman needs a plan before speaking up.
Number two is the workplace. I advocate in the book for changes in the way we handle sexual harassment. First and foremost is that maybe HR is not the best place for women to go file a complaint, because you have to remember that even if there are lovely people working in HR, their paychecks come from the company. So, I advocate for an ombudsman, an outside resource that's independent.
I also advocate for changing the social harassment training to focus more on bystander training. One of the ways that sexual harassment is allowed to be so pervasive is that bystanders don't speak up because they're also fearful of losing their jobs. We need to incorporate more training to make people feel more secure being allies to the victim. Look at the Donald Trump/Billy Bush case, it's the perfect example of an enabler who can turn into a “stopper" if he says 'I don't think that's funny,' which would stop the situation, rather than normalize it within the workplace culture.
"One of the ways that sexual harassment is allowed to be so pervasive is that bystanders don't speak up because they're also fearful of losing their jobs."
The third point is to encourage CEOs of companies to sit down with their employees and from the top down tell them that there is no way they're going to put up with sexual harassment in their company, and that they are going to celebrate the women and men who bring it to their attention. The idea is to make speaking up a positive thing, rather than a subject for a woman to muster the courage to come forward. It's so unfortunate that in 2017 women are still labeled troublemakers, bitches, divas, gold diggers, fame seekers, and not to be believed. All of those myths are why women don't come forward.
Are there any resources available to women after they stand up to their harassers?
Two young female entrepreneurs have come up with this amazing website, called Betterbrave.com. You put in your name and information and they will help you get an attorney. That's a really important part of my playbook. If you can, you should always get an attorney. That's why I'm launching my leadership initiative to provide women who can't afford it with access to attorneys and legal help. I think that women collectively, especially millennial women, need to take the bull by the horns on this issue, and suggest within companies to have focus groups and dialogues involving their male colleagues. We need to bring sexual harassment to the forefront so that it's more acceptable. Also, collectively we need to have each other's backs on this issue. If we do that and take it out of the shadows of secrecy, and it happens to a young woman, she will feel comfortable to say 'hey remember that pact we made' and then they go en masse [to report it]. If they do that, it's over.
“Sexual harassment really isn't about sex, often times it's about power. It's a way for a man, who feels intimidated by a strong woman to show her who is in charge."
Why is it that men in power go “there" and women in power don't typically? It is all about sex?
That goes back to the way they are raised and the culture we are propagating on college campuses, which is why I think it's so crucial that my message spreads out to colleges. This needs to start young because sexual harassment really isn't about sex, often times it's about power. It's a way for a man, who feels intimidated by a strong woman to show her who is in charge.
It starts at an early age.
If we are addressing this issue when men are in their 30s and 40s in the workplace, it's too late. Harassers aren't born harassers; it goes back to how they are socialized and that is why it's important that we raise girls and boys equally. I could write a whole book just on that. If a man felt self-empowered in a situation, he just carries on into the workplace. We see it in tech; look at all the VCs where women don't have a voice, and the Uber story and Silicon Valley. These are young men who are falling into the trap.
Can you speak about disclosure agreements? Why do they exist? Do they reinforce the gender gap?
These secret mandatory arbitration clauses need to go, and young women need to really know when they are signing a contract if they are included. Many times you can't avoid it because you need to sign them to get the job, but they have to be eradicated, and that's been the focus of my work on Capitol Hill for the last year. I'm trying to get a bipartisan bill passed to at least get the secrecy taken out. Because what happens is, if you have a dispute at work and you have signed one of those clauses [in your contract], nobody ever finds out that this is happening to you because once you file a complaint, it goes directly to secret arbitration. You don't get a jury trial, you don't get an open court, and nine times out of ten, the woman loses, she's fired and can never talk about it. No one ever hears about it, while the perpetrator gets to keep his job. That's exactly what is happening across all companies every single day. And, when it's [a culture of secrecy], women don't come forward, because they think it's only happening to them.
Any comments on the Weinstein case?
The Weinstein company and all companies should agree to waive the NDAs and confidentiality agreements gagging and silencing women forever so they can publicly tell their stories.
There have been a flood of these allegations as of late. Are you hopeful for things to change?I do believe we can make a difference. I believe our next generation cares more about making a difference than my generation did. I think millennials want to see the end result of their good work. They like to work together on a project and do something collectively and make a difference.
I also want to mention how important it was that Taylor Swift came out and openly shared her story. For millennials, she was a huge positive voice on this issue. And actress Amber Tamblyn came out and wrote an op-ed in the Times a few weeks ago. It is this gift of courage [being passed along], where more and more women are saying 'enough already, we're not going to put up with it.' This is just the beginning. We're going to keep going.
This piece was originally published on October 8, 2017.
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Help! My Friend Is a No Show
Dear Armchair Psychologist,
I have a friend who doesn't reply to my messages about meeting for dinner, etc. Although, last week I ran into her at a local restaurant of mine, it has always been awkward to be friends with her. Should I continue our friendship or discontinue it? We've been friends for a total four years and nothing has changed. I don't feel as comfortable with her as my other close friends, and I don't think I'll ever be able to reach that comfort zone in pure friendship.
Dear Sadsies,I am sorry to hear you've been neglected by your friend. You may already have the answer to your question, since you're evaluating the non-existing bond between yourself and your friend. However, I'll gladly affirm to you that a friendship that isn't reciprocated is not a good friendship.
I have had a similar situation with a friend whom I'd grown up with but who was also consistently a very negative person, a true Debby Downer. One day, I just had enough of her criticism and vitriol. I stopped making excuses for her and dumped her. It was a great decision and I haven't looked back. With that in mind, it could be possible that something has changed in your friend's life, but it's insignificant if she isn't responding to you. It's time to dump her and spend your energy where it's appreciated. Don't dwell on this friend. History is not enough to create a lasting bond, it only means just that—you and your friend have history—so let her be history!
- The Armchair Psychologist