#SWAAYthenarrative

Dear Women: Why Are We Holding Ourselves Back At work?

3min read
Career

Eighty percent of my coaching practice is comprised of women leaders and trailblazers. We face a unique set of challenges and expectations imposed upon us via social media, our families, our cultures, and our religions.

We continue to break those molds, rewrite the rules, redefine ourselves, achieve great things, and change our worlds. But, there is one key place I still see women getting stuck. It's on the internal limitations we impose upon ourselves. These are far more discreet. Thus, harder to identify. I want to introduce you to the top three ways I see women holding themselves back at work. Regardless if you're an entrepreneur, CEO, or employee, understanding the ways you hold yourself back and getting rid of those roadblocks will not only catapult you to new heights in your career—it can inspire other women to follow.

1. Erase The Brilliance Margin

I write a lot about The Brilliance Margin, which is a self-perceived measure of difference between your brilliance and capabilities to that of someone else. We often think there's a huge margin between our own abilities, knowledge, and talents as compared to:

  • Our parents
  • Our bosses
  • Our colleagues
  • Our partners
  • Our friends
  • Celebrities

At some point, we come to the realization that the people we look up to and the ones we compare ourselves with don't have the answers. We do. Our brilliance exists in the unique sets of skills, capabilities, vulnerabilities, and mistakes that are intrinsically ours. We need to start owning our stories instead of constantly comparing our journeys of success and failure to someone else. When we do that, we learn that:

  • Our parents are fallible humans who have been “faking it until they make it" through the unknowns for decades.
  • Our bosses aren't really that much smarter than us, and yet they hired us to complement their shortcomings.
  • Our partners want what's best for us but may not really know what that is (because only we do).
  • Our friends don't have it all figured out because if we really listen, they're telling us so (and thank goodness, because who else would we commiserate with)?
  • Celebrities either inherit or stumble into their celebritydom by chance. If you don't think there are hundreds or more Angelina Jolie's and Denzel Washingtons out there waiting to be discovered, think again!

If you've created a Brilliance Margin (and chances are you have), many things can happen.

  • You don't speak up because you think someone probably has a better idea than you do.
  • You don't speak up because you are afraid the person will think you're an idiot.
  • You don't act on your vision or idea until you can run it by them.
  • You don't create your own vision because you play the role of activating their vision or ideas.
  • You don't advocate on your own behalf because you don't deserve “it" yet (it = promotion, money, love, acknowledgment).

Notice that the result of a Brilliance Margin is inaction. Don't speak. Don't act. Don't create. Don't own your greatness.

Don't believe that nonsense.

If you do want to harness and leverage your own power, there are just three rules to follow:

  1. Be the master of your internal dialogue. How do you speak to yourself? What stories do you tell yourself about your own power or potential?
  2. Trust that by knowing and being yourself, you will “show up" well in the world (which encompasses how you talk, the actions you take, and how they make you feel).
  3. Know that not all people are your people, so it's okay if not everyone is a member of your fan club. Remember that people who are not yet awakened to their own power will sometimes find yours threatening.

Lastly, examine your key relationships: parents, boss, partner, friends. Who do you look to for approval and permission? How would it feel to give yourself permission to speak up or take action? Where in your life have you already narrowed a Brilliance Margin? What strengths and lessons can you carry from that experience into another that needs attention?

If you're ready to start narrowing a Brilliance Margin in your life, action is key, because action is the only remedy for fear.

2. Soothe the Imposter Syndrome.

The Imposter Syndrome is one of the most common disguises fear wears (and very common among high-achieving women). Introduced in 1978 by Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes in a paper entitled, The Impostor Phenomenon in High Achieving Women, it's a concept describing individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud.

The best way to soothe your Imposter Syndrome is to find a safe place to talk about it. You'll be astounded how many women have this in common. Talking about it deflates its power over you. Replace your imposter thoughts with positive affirmations and start rewiring your brain, yes, own who you are in your journey, right now. You're not an imposter. You're growing, evolving, and becoming a better version of yourself. Remember that your opinion is the real one that matters.

3. Recruit your cheering section.

Who are your biggest supporters? Where are there gaps in your cheering section? Home? Career? Health? Spiritual life? Family?

Feeling supported by the right people is mandatory in business. If you only rely on your digital audience, you will feel sorely disappointed when you share news and don't get a million likes. Creating an authentic cheering section sets the stage for you to be yourself.

Here are some of the reasons women don't ask for support:

  • Fear of rejection/being told “no"
  • Perfectionism
  • We don't want to be a burden
  • Fear of judgment

One of the greatest gifts from years of working inside of organizations are the beautiful friendships and professional relationships that resulted. When I started my own business, a former colleague and friend were kind enough to review all of my original sales presentations, program ideas, proposals, and pricing.

I then hired an executive coach to support me, who also held me accountable for the internal work of creating a business while I created the parts of the business the world could see. Working through your fears and having a partner to remind you of your gifts, your “why," and generally hold space for you to work through your internal and external challenges is nothing short of a game changer.

While so many people make promises to buy your services or share their contacts, here's the truth: only a fraction of them will actually show up for you. Here's another truth: the ones who do show up will support you in ways you cannot even imagine. Support is about quality, not volume.

Hire support where you need to. Otherwise, from your place of power, formally invite key people to your support team: colleagues, mentors, spouses, and partners. Be specific about the kind of support you need and ask if they are willing to sign up. It is heartwarming to watch the women I coach make these requests of the people in their lives because, let me tell you, they will say yes and sign up for you in droves! You'll wish you had done it sooner.

Wherever you are in your professional life, stop waiting for permission to be great or do great things. There's no right time. No perfect boss. No “dream" work scenario where you feel on top of your game five days per week.

Be honest with yourself, remove the barriers, and get to work.

5 Min Read
Career

How Fitness Saved My Life and Became My Career

Sometimes it takes falling to rock bottom in order to be built back up again. I learned this many years ago when the life I'd carefully built for myself and my family suddenly changed. But in those times, you learn to lean on those who love you – a friend, family member or someone who can relate to what you've been through. I was lucky enough to have two incredible women help me through one of my lowest moments. They taught me to love myself and inspired me to pass on their lessons each da

If it weren't for the empowering women who stepped up and brought fitness back into my life, I wouldn't be standing – in the door of my own business – today.

In 2010, I was a wife, a mother of three, and had filtered in and out of jobs depending on what my family needed from me. At different points in my career, I've worked in the corporate world, been a stay-at-home mom, and even started my own daycare center. Fitness has always been a part of my life, but at that point being a mom was my main priority. Then, life threw a curveball. My husband and I separated, leading to a very difficult divorce.

These were difficult times. I lost myself in the uncertainty of my future and the stress that comes with a divorce and found myself battling anorexia. Over a matter of months, I lost 40 lbs. and felt surrounded by darkness. I was no longer participating in my health and all efforts to stay active came to a halt. I didn't want to leave my home, I didn't' want to talk to people, and I really did not want to see men. Seeing my struggles, first my sister and then a friend, approached me and invited me to visit the gym.

After months of avoiding it, my sister started taking me to the gym right before closing when it wasn't too busy. We started slow, on the elliptical or the treadmill. This routine got me out of the house and slowly we worked to regain my strength and my self-esteem. When my sister moved away, my good friend and personal trainer started working out with me one-on-one early in the morning, taking time out of her busy schedule to keep me on track toward living a healthy life once again. Even when I didn't want to leave the house, she would encourage me to push myself and I knew I didn't want to let her down. She helped me every step of the way. My sister and my friend brought fitness back into my everyday routine. They saved my life.

I began to rely on fitness, as well as faith, to help me feel like myself again. My friend has since moved away, but, these two women made me feel loved, confident and strong with their empowerment and commitment to me. They made such an incredible impact on me; I knew I needed to pay it forward. I wanted to have the same impact on women in my community. I started by doing little things, like running with a woman who just had a baby to keep her inspired and let her know she's not alone. I made sure not to skip my regular runs, just in case there was a woman watching who needed the inspiration to keep going. These small steps of paying it forward helped me find purpose and belonging. This gave me a new mentality that put me on a path to the opportunity of a lifetime – opening a women's only kickboxing gym, 30 Minute Hit.

About four years ago, I was officially an empty nester. It was time to get myself out of the house too and find what I was truly passionate about, which is easier said than done. Sitting behind a desk, in a cubicle, simply didn't cut it. It was hard to go from an active and chaotic schedule to a very slow paced, uneventful work week. I felt sluggish. Even when I moved to another company where I got to plan events and travel, it was enjoyable, but not fulfilling. I wanted to be a source of comfort to those struggling, as my sister and dear friend had been to me. I wanted to impact others in a way that couldn't be done from behind a desk.

I began to rely on fitness, as well as faith, to help me feel like myself again.

When I heard about 30 Minute Hit, I was nervous to take the leap. But the more I learned about the concept, the more I knew it was the perfect fit for me. Opening my own gym where women can come to let go of their struggles, rely on one another and meet new people is the best way for me to pass on the lessons I learned during my darkest times.

Kickboxing is empowering in itself. Add to it a high energy, female-only environment, and you have yourself a powerhouse! The 30 Minute Hit concept is franchised all over North America, acting as a source of release for women who are just trying to get through their day. I see women of all ages come into my gym, kick the heck out of a punching bag and leave with a smile on their face, often times alongside a new friend. 30 Minute Hit offers a convenient schedule for all women, from busy moms to working women, to students and senior citizens. A schedule-free model allows members to come in whenever they have a free half hour to dedicate to themselves. Offering certified training in kickboxing and a safe environment to let go, 30 Minute Hit is the place for women empowerment and personal growth.

Through my journey, I have learned that everyone is going through something – everyone is on their own path. My motivating factor is knowing that I can touch people's lives everyday just by creating the space for encouragement and community. It's so easy to show people you care. That's the type of environment my team, clients and myself have worked hard to create at our 30 Minute Hit location.

Fitness saved my life. If it weren't for the empowering women who stepped up and brought fitness back into my life, I wouldn't be standing – in the door of my own business – today. The perfect example of women empowering women – the foundation to invincibility.

This article was originally published September 12, 2019.