You walk into an upscale networking event that you've been itching to go to.
You were ready to make some higher quality connections, but suddenly you find yourself in full-out comparison mode.
Is your outfit up to snuff? Are you too old? Too young? Do you have enough credentials to do what you are doing? Why does this always happen? You're precisely where you want to be, yet you can't control that constant self-doubt.
Women are famous for this. We have mastered the art of being mean to ourselves—continually comparing who we are and what we do to others without any perspective.
This kind of negative thinking stops us from showing up as a badass in our life and our business.
Becoming A Badass
Now, let me first clarify what a real badass woman actually is. Media has traditionally portrayed her as a woman who you can't say "no" to. She's callus, maybe a little manipulative, and will stop at nothing to get the sale. She works 80 hours a week and never misses an opportunity to sell, sell, sell.
This describes the masculine model of “push," the belief that going for something bigger means living with discomfort and pain. This is the hustle and grind approach that leads to burnout and illness.
To me, a badass is someone who knows her value, is at ease with her body, and is proud of how she shows up in the world. She attracts people to work with her, compelling them with her passion. Never forcing things, she seems to create as if by magic, all the while having time for friends and family.
Do you know anyone in particular that is coming to mind? Maybe. Maybe note. There might be the odd woman who is born with these talents. But the good news for the rest of us is that becoming a badass is something we can all do.
The Dominatrix Way
For me, I began my journey to becoming a badass when I became a Dominatrix.
This line of work is not most people's first choice on the path to self-discovery, but it's who I had to become in order to stand in my power. This role changed how I showed up in my business and in my life.
If you have only ever seen the Hollywood version of a Dominatrix, it would seem that it is about power over another person. Yet I can tell you from personal experience, everything that happens in the dungeon is completely pre-negotiated and centered around the client.
The Dominatrix is in charge of holding the space and controlling all aspects of the scene so that the client can surrender fully. That surrender allows the client to forget about the pressures of life and just allow someone else to be in charge for a change. It takes courage to let go in that way, and it takes strength to hold that scene for another person. A Dominatrix is, in fact, a high-level service position!
I had to quickly learn how to authentically be the one in charge, to be confident. Faking it would simply not do. I had to become that person.
For almost two decades, since becoming a Dominatrix, I have been managing a chain of wellness centers and now operate my own professional coaching and speaking practice. Bringing those skills from the dungeon into my business has been invaluable. Looking back on my failures, I can pinpoint exactly what went wrong when I wasn't using those skills—missteps and old habits.
The good news is that you don't have to put on the black pleather and boots in order to learn from the archetype of the Dominatrix and become more of a badass in your life.
1. Never Say Sorry
When you are in the dungeon, and your submissive is blindfolded and fixed to an apparatus while you are flogging them, the very worst thing they could ever hear is “Oops!" You will instantly ruin the scene, and all of the trust that they had in you will be gone in a second.
It is the same thing in business!
Constantly apologizing will put you out of your power. Even worse, it will make others will begin to question your expertise and their decision to work with you.
Instead of “sorry," start every email you write for the next week with “Thank you."
Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for your understanding. Thank you for being so amazing to work with.
Each “thank you" releases a tiny hit of dopamine for the client and that helps to disperse any possible frustration. Most importantly, it keeps you standing firmly in your power.
2. Be Willing To Lose
Very few of us have the time or money to just throw it away. The irony is that the harder you work to cling to these things, the more likely you are to lose them.
The lesson we should take from incredibly successful people—the Oprahs and the Elon Musks of the world—is that it takes great leaps of faith to make it big. They've learned how to go all-in and win, without putting attachments on the outcome.
When we try to force something to happen, we are less connected to what is actually happening in the now and are hindered from being responsive to what is right in front of us.
The Dominatrix takes time to script out a scene based on all the elements that were previously negotiated. But when she steps in the dungeon, she releases the need for that script to play out exactly as planned. She must stay present to what is actually happening. Things rarely go as scripted, but when she is fully present they will remain on track. This way, the submissive is able to relax knowing that she is fully in charge.
So make your plans, draw up the map of what you would like to happen, and then be willing to throw it all out the moment it no longer works.
3. Negotiate Like A Dominatrix
My time studying to become a Dominatrix taught me some incredible mindset skills, and negotiation was at the top of that list.
In the dungeon, every single detail is discussed prior to starting a scene. You talk about what is okay, what is not okay, and what is a not right now—for both participants! Only when both parties agree on something can it be explored in the scene. There is no room for compromise; it is win/win or nothing.
To become a badass, you can learn from the Dominatrix and create your own list of what you are willing and not willing to do and what is a maybe (under the right circumstances).
Having your list drawn up ahead of time will stop you from falling back into old patterns and will allow you to achieve more of your goals in the long term.
The lesson here isn't that life can start feeling easy. Life is always going to get uncomfortable. But I invite you to learn how to ride the waves in a way that will bring greater ease and less long-term damage to you. Like a Dominatrix, stand in the inner power, listen to what needs to be done, and reap the rewards.
This piece was originally published on October 21, 2018.
I recently traveled to Paris to attend the International Master Course on Aging Science (IMCAS) and met with some incredible doctors from around the world to learn the latest trends in aesthetic medicine— the field of improving cosmetic appearance through medical procedures. My practice in Los Angeles serves a truly diverse and international clientele, and these conferences are a great way for me bring the latest global procedures and products back home for my patients.
Here are my three biggest global beauty takeaways from the trip! Face threads are an increasingly popular procedure to quickly and efficiently rejuvenate your look, and they can be easily tailored to your needs. The V-shape jawline contour is big in South Korea, if you're looking for something more transformative. Whereas women in Paris are embracing the art of aging naturally while still looking flawless with the help of minimally invasive threads.
Another big trend in global beauty is the process of utilizing radiofrequency therapy to heat the skin in order to reduce lines and loose skin. This incredibly advanced technology is now being used all over the body, especially on the face and vagina.
Finally, this may not be a specific global beauty trend, but the gender dynamics of beauty are majorly shifting in terms of both providers and patients. More women are entering aesthetics as providers and more men are utilizing aesthetics as patients. Italy has a quickly growing population of male patients, and in Brazil the gender breakdown is already 50/50!
Those were my major global beauty lessons from this trip, but I also spoke with several doctors directly about how their practices are shifting with the times. Here are some of the amazing doctors from all over the globe that I had the pleasure of meeting with in Paris, as well the latest products and therapies they recommend! The world of beauty is shifting, and we're going right to the source.
Dr. Bernard Peyronnet is a dermatologic surgeon whose patients include French celebrities and international royalty. He's based in the heart of Paris, working out of a gorgeous office that doubles as his home. Dr. Peyronnet revolutionized aesthetics by introducing the noninvasive chemical peel. He also loves adding subtle threads to a woman's face or body to create natural-looking improvements in contour, texture, or lift. French women never want to look like they've had work done. He calls his method the "French touch," which results in flawless results that keep everyone guessing.
As you can see, there have been some truly amazing global beauty advances in the field of aesthetic medicine, with doctors around the world continuing to innovate and refine their offerings. My time in Paris was so informative and inspiring, and I cannot wait to pass some of that knowledge on to my patients (and you!). If you would like to learn more about how the newest trends in aesthetics can help you achieve your desired look, please contact my office at doctorrahi.com to book a consultation!