Photo Courtesy of Training Zone
Career 17 January 2018
A few months ago, I had lunch with a colleague who was curious about how I got started with my company, MommaStrong, in hopes that it would help him launch his own venture. As I sat down to eat, I noticed that he had a notepad out and an organized set of colored pens at the ready. I knew immediately I was in for a serious brain picking.
This guy wanted to know a formula. How much capital did you raise? How did you develop your content? How much research did you do on e-commerce platforms? When did you know it was time to launch? What sales strategy did you apply?
The questions poured out of him, but my answers were as chopped as my salad. The more I talked, the more I felt a tug on every word and so I quickly interrupted myself and said, “Look, you will never start if you are spending all your energy trying to get ready.” Needless to say, he left that lunch with a blank notepad.[thb_image full_width="true" alignment="center" image="9774" img_size="full"]
The reality is that my work in the world didn’t happen because I had some sort of grand plan or because I had spent time developing business acumen. Some nights - well, most nights - I wish I had more of both of those, but the truth is my company happened because I was desperate about solving a problem.
After having my second child and finding myself in the fog of the postpartum experience, I realized that there was something terribly wrong with my situation. I was in excruciating physical pain every minute of every day. I was isolated in my house with tiny children and a bunch of plastic toys and the churn of social media as my most frequent company. I was stressed about finances. I was in an abusive marriage. I was suffering from postpartum depression. And I lacked all energy and motivation to do anything about any of it.
But, the thing that sustains MommaStrong to this day is the same thing that made me get up, rather than give up: It was a decision to live inside the solution, rather than submit to the problem.
And, so, I focused myself on the most basic, least emotional obstacle I was experiencing: My physical pain. As a certified Pilates teacher with years of experience, the fact that I was in so much discomfort didn’t make sense. Nothing I had been taught about pelvic rehabilitation and core strength was helping me, no matter how hard I tried to do it “right.” And that’s when the golden curiosity hit me: Maybe it’s not that I am doing this wrong, maybe there is something wrong about the modality. Maybe we’re not strengthening and healing the female body the right way.
From there, I started to break down the supposed authority of all my years of training and began to see some incongruencies with the anatomy of the modern female body. For example, methods like Pilates wherein we are encouraged to strengthen the abdominals through crunching (flexion) movements were created before the Industrial Revolution, when people were far less sedentary. This means that their spines were naturally more extended just by doing daily manual labor and, so, crunches were vastly more effective and certainly not damaging. Today, with the fact that most of us have desk jobs and are driving more than walking, our spines spend way too much time in forward flexion. Crunching, therefore, not only becomes ineffective, it also proves harmful. This realization prompted me to dive head first into research and hands-on experimentation with my own body. I soon discovered that my hunch was right: The female body needed core work in extension, along with pelvic floor work that taught elasticity, rather than just static kegel powers.
Photo Courtesy of Edutopia
This detective work lit me up. It gave me breath. It gave me vitality. And it also started to give me access to solutions that would heal my life in every way imaginable. By starting with my pelvic floor and recovering my body from years of pain, I released my nervous system from unnecessary stress. That release allowed me to behave more powerfully on a very primal level. That powerful behavior helped me make drastic changes to my life, including divorce. And from that freedom, my company came to be. I wanted to share what I learned, in an accessible way, to women who were in my situation and perhaps were beginning to believe that their bodies were broken. My mission was crystal clear: Revolutionize strength protocols for women and reduce their physical pain, so that they can show up in the world as they choose.
Today, five years after that tender time, MommaStrong serves thousands of online customers from around the world. Via streaming videos, these customers are able to access effective and efficient strength programs that address their pain and buoy their lives. In just 15 minutes a day and for just $2 a month, we are helping members to lead stronger lives, strengthen their core, and to have access to the playful part of them that makes them a better mother. Along with that, my customers and I have developed an outreach program that serves women-in need (i.e., incarcerated women and victims of sex trafficking) by providing them the same physical rehabilitation tools so that they too can heal their lives. I call this Share to Show up.
My business works - and not just because of the numbers, but because my initial curiosity is still the strong thread that weaves a solution to a widespread problem.
Now, while all of this is inspiring, there’s an important postscript in my story, one that I think encompasses the entirety of entrepreneurship. In the five years of building this venture, I have made every rookie mistake in the book. It has been harrowing, exhausting, and ridiculously humbling. And I’ve found myself back to the drawing board oodles of times, in a full-on depression and ready to quit.
This is the life of an entrepreneur: Burnouts. Not a single burnout. Plural burnouts. But, guess what? Are you ready for this? I am an advocate of the burnout. Why? Because, if we look at my story and the stories of countless other CEOs, all ventures start because of a burnout that leads to an idea and all ventures continue because of burnouts that lead to invaluable lessons learned.
The delicious, yet ugly truth is that there are many times that I have a trembling finger hovering over the “I Quit” button coupled with guts of steel that pull it back. And up until recently, I was so afraid and ashamed of this saga. But, what I have come to understand is that if we choose to be a dreamer that is also a do-er, than we are choosing also the saga of the burnout.
So, instead of pathologizing burnouts and speaking about how to properly organize your business life so catastrophic and humiliating events don’t occur (ahem, they will), I instead would like to offer a new take: How to Befriend Your Burnout.
Here’s my 5 step guide for how to face and make valuable a burnout:
1. Get used to saying: “This is what it looks like.” When someone (read: your mother) tells you how much she wishes you had a stable job, repeat back to her: “I appreciate your concern, but this is what it looks like to be me.” When friends start giving you grief for not having enough time for them, say: “I totally hear you and I can’t wait for that to return because it will. Until then, this is what it looks like to be me.” When your own dear, amazing monkey mind starts criticizing you for not being perfect, simply pad those thoughts with, “This is what it looks like to do the hard things.” The point here is that your hustle, your struggle, your late nights, your mistakes, your lack of money, your inability to be a good friend are part of the process. They are temporary, if you let them be. But, they are 100 percent normal and they are 100 percent surmountable in time. For now, this is exactly what it looks like to make amazing things happen.
2. Nix the tasks that you are not good at. Many times, burnouts happen because you are trying to do things that you are simply not good at. And while I know you are gifted and I know you could figure it out, I promise that it won’t be for the benefit of anyone. And, the longer you ignore this fact, the more likely it is that you will cause irreparable harm to your business and your life. Walk away from the stuff you can’t do well and focus on things you are good at! You are enough exactly as you are right now and you do not need to expand, develop, or broaden until you have the right resources to support that.
3. Surround yourself with positive role models. When I’m in a low spot, it’s easy to find lots of folks around me who will echo the need to quit. It’s not their fault, they are concerned and they are expressing care. However, you have to be discerning and choose to surround yourself with people who support you and your goals. If there isn’t anyone, cut out magazine articles of people who are doing the impossible and of warriors who have pushed through the hard parts of their journey. Write quotes on post-it notes that remind you to stay attached to your mission. Listen to podcasts like Tara Brach, Tim Ferriss, and How I Built This every time you feel a pang of darkness. Cancel out sources of negativity like it’s your job. During a burnout, you are a sponge and you will absorb what is around you. It becomes essential that you protect your vulnerable state and fill it up with inspiration only.
4. Shove off traditional notions of self-care. When I’m in a burnout, a spa day isn’t going to save me. Everyone will tell you to go on vacation and to get a massage, but I will beg you not to do that. I believe that burnouts are symptoms of you pleading for perspective and creative space, which means they require exertion outside of your normal routine. Find an adventure. Exercise every single day. Go on a hike in nature. Unplug from social media. Go take a weird dance class or head to a boxing gym. Watch your favorite classic movies all in one day while eating cheese puffs and chocolate. Get wild. Your burnout will become instantly friendly.
5. Say to yourself on repeat: I can handle this. I leave this one instruction for last because it is the most important. I know that you can handle this burnout. And I know you know you can. However, with all the stress coursing through your body, the reality is that your nervous system might start to feel like it cannot handle it. And then your mind will start sending alerts along those lines and you’ll start to have tangible evidence for why you can’t handle it. Panic attacks. Giant stress breakouts all over your beautiful face. Insomnia. Headaches. Heart palpitations. Etc. However, if you can remember that growth is designed to challenge your nervous system to become more evolved, then you can say to yourself, “I can handle this.” The moment you do that, your beautiful spine can stand up tall and get in the fight with you, instead of slinking away. And then the next burnout will just be another training session for yet another layer of success.
Here is a 5-step MommaStrong video workout for when that day happens. Enjoy!
3 Min Read
Thinking of ringing up your ex during these uncertain times? Maybe you want an excuse to contact your ex, or maybe you genuinely feel the need to connect with someone on an emotional level. As a matchmaker and relationship expert, I was surprised at the start of the coronavirus quarantine when friends were telling me that they were contacting their exes! But as social distancing has grown to be more than a short-term situation, we must avoid seeking short-term solutions—and resist the urge to dial an ex.
It stands to reason that you would contact an ex for support. After all, who knows you and your fears better than an ex? This all translates into someone who you think can provide comfort and support. As a matchmaker, I already know that people can spark and ignite relationships virtually that can lead to offline love, but lonely singles didn't necessarily believe this or understand this initially, which drives them straight back to a familiar ex. You only need to tune into Love Is Blind to test this theory or look to Dina Lohan and her virtual boyfriend.
At the start of lockdown, singles were already feeling lonely. There were studies that said as much as 3 out of 4 people were lonely, and that was before lockdown. Singles were worried that dating someone was going to be off limits for a very long time. Now when you factor in a widespread pandemic and the psychological impact that hits when you have to be in isolation and can't see anyone but your takeout delivery person, we end up understanding this urge to contact an ex.
So, what should you do if you are tempted to ring up an old flame? How do you know if it's the wrong thing or the right thing to do in a time like this? Check out a few of my points before deciding on picking up that phone to text, much less call an ex.
Before You Dial The Ex...
First, you need to phone a friend! It's the person that got you through this breakup to begin with. Let them remind you of the good, the bad and the ugly before taking this first step and risk getting sucked back in.
What was the reason for your breakup? As I mentioned before, you could get sucked back in… but that might not be a bad thing. It depends; when you phoned that friend to remind you, did she remind you of good or bad things during the breakup? It's possible that you both just had to take jobs in different cities, and the breakup wasn't due to a problem in the relationship. Have these problems resolved if there were issues?
You want to come from a good place of reflection and not let bad habits make the choice for you.
Depending on the reason for the breakup, set your boundaries for how much contact beforehand. If there was abuse or toxic behaviors in the relationship, don't even go there. You can't afford to repeat this relationship again.
If you know you shouldn't be contacting this ex but feel lonely, set up a support system ahead of time. Set up activities or things to fall back on to resist the urge. Maybe you phone a different friend, join a virtual happy hour for singles, or binge watch Netflix. Anything else is acceptable, but don't phone that ex.
Write down your reasons for wanting to contact the ex. Ask yourself if this is worth the pain. Are you flea-bagging again, or is there a friendship to be had, which will provide you with genuine comfort? If it's the latter, it's okay to go there. If it's an excuse to go back together and make contact, don't.
Decide how far you are willing to take the relationship this time, without it being a rinse and repeat. If you broke up for reasons beyond your control, it's okay. If your ex was a serial cheater, phone a friend instead.
If there was abuse or toxic behaviors in the relationship, don't even go there. You can't afford to repeat this relationship again.
As life returns to a more normal state and you adjust to the new normal, we will slowly begin to notice more balance in our lives. You want to come from a good place of reflection and not let bad habits make the choice for you. Some do's and don'ts for this time would be:
- Do: exercise — taking care of you is important during this time. It's self-care and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
- Do: shower, brush your teeth, and get out of your sweats.
- Don't: be a couch potato.
- Don't: drink or eat excessively during this time. Again, remember to maintain a healthy lifestyle.
- Do: think positive thoughts everyday and write down the 3 things you are grateful for. Look at the impact of John Krasinksi's SGN. It's uplifting and when you feel good, you won't want to slide backwards.
- Don't: contact a toxic ex. It's a backward move in a moment of uncertainty that could have a long term impact. Why continue flea bagging yourself?