Photo's Courtesy of Rachael Lee Stroud
Culture 23 March 2018
All my life, I thought I wanted to do one big thing. Kind of like Harper E. Lee: up until Go Set a Watchman, she was known for one big thing – To Kill a Mockingbird. One book. One bestseller. A perfect 1.00 batting average. There is something so tantalizing about one big thing: You get to dart into the national spotlight, do one perfect thing, then run away before you mess up that “perfect” performance, your spotless reputation. It’s the equivalent of a mic drop. Or how a stand-up comedian strives to leave on a high note.
When my invention of the Pussyhat took the world by storm – creating a Sea of Pink at the Women’s Marches, landing on the covers of Time magazine and The New Yorker, I thought that was my To Kill a Mockingbird, my One Big Thing.
I thought, maybe like you, that once I had a big success, I would be satisfied and everything I produced afterward would be easier. This was largely wrong. I found myself petrified to release my second project. But when the March for Our Lives was announced for March 24th, I was so moved by the bravery of these high school student activists, and I knew that it was time to launch my second craftivist project: The Evil Eye Glove. The four tips I share below are applicable whether you’re working on your first “freshman” project, your second “sophomore” project, or your 100th project and need some inspo.
1. Gather Your Friends
As I talk about in Chapter 1 of my book DIY Rules for a WTF World: How to Speak Up, Get Creative, and Change the World – everything changes. You are constantly shifting. Sometimes you will vibe big and powerful and sometimes you will be small and intimate and cozy, and sometimes, you will be in between- medium-sized, curious. Identify your friends who love you whether you are big or small. And seek them out.
At the time the Pussyhat spread like pink wildfire, my best friend MILCK sang her song “Quiet” and it went viral at the March. I was a lucky duck who had a fellow artist friend to talk to who was going through the same thing! We check in with each other all the time, and early on, she shared with me some advice she had gotten, which I will paraphrase here:
A man who has just succeeded at the peak of the mountain and a man who has just failed at the bottom of a ditch are in the same place – “What to do next?”
So whether you’re feeling on top of the world or feeling rock bottom, take solace in that you’re not alone. Seek out friends and let them remind you how valuable you are even without your accomplishments, whether it is One Big Thing or Several Pretty Good Things – it doesn’t matter, because your accomplishments are not you.
2. Separate Yourself from Your Reputation – Then Destroy It
Get to know the “you” that is not your accomplishments. If you don’t know what I mean, that means you’re really tied to your accomplishments. Gently unravel yourself from your accomplishments by taking “personal inventory.” Check out Chapter 15 in DIY Rules for a WTF World called “Find Yourself Fascinating: A Personal Inventory.” One of my favorite Personal Inventory exercises is the “Chick Lit Heroine Exercise” in which you fill in a Mad Libs-like form to get the synopsis of the thrilling adventure story that is you. You’ll find that what makes the storybook character of you interesting is not your accomplishments but your personality, your drive, your foibles, your quirks.
Once you get reacquainted with this fascinating REAL You, take a look at the Reputed You – the one with all the accomplishments, and know you get to play with it, you can mold the Reputed You however you want, for fun and you can always start again when you get bored. A woman’s right to choose goes far beyond just reproductive rights.
We have the right to choose how we look at ourselves, and how we want to play with our reputations. Our reputations are our playthings, we are not the playthings of our reputations.
Run from what's comfortable. Forget safety. Live where you fear to live. Destroy your reputation. Be notorious. -Rumi
Take a page out of Rumi’s book and Destroy Your Reputation.
3. Dance with the One Who Brung Ya
When I nurtured the Pussyhat into being, I followed my intuition, which led me to make surprising choices. The Pussyhat became a big success. My intuition was like my hot date who brought me (and the Pussyhat) to a grand ball! Why would I dance with someone else, like say, Patriarchal “Take the Hard Way” Rationality, when Hot Intuition was my date?
When it came time to launch my second craftivist project The Evil Eye Glove, the tug of Patriarchy “Take the Hard Way” Rationality was strong, and I almost gave in, but I’m so glad that it didn’t feel right, and I immediately understood that I needed to trust the intuition that brought me success in the first place.
Like the Pussyhat, the Evil Eye Glove was born of intuition – it came to me in a dream – a huge peaceful gathering of women with their hands raised – on each hand was a painted eye – it was a Sea of Eyes. Just as the Pussyhat created a sea of pink, the evil eye gloves create a sea of eyes.
After the Pussyhat debuted at the Women’s March, I put the step by step instructions on how to make the Evil Eye Glove into my book DIY Rules, ready to go. I was waiting for the right moment to launch the Evil Eye Glove into full craftivist action, and I got nervous and antsy. I chided myself for sitting on it, for being “lazy” but ultimately, I am so glad I waited because when the March for Our Lives was announced, my intuition knew it was time.
So wherever you are in your career, look back on the successes you’ve had and honor what brought you to those successes. And if intuition is a key ingredient to what brought you those successes, I suggest you keep dancing with it.
Look at the that “success ingredient list” and decide which ingredients you still want to use – perhaps you had a vendor who helped make you successful but your heart thuds to your stomach when you imagine working with them again – feel free to take that ingredient out! But also let yourself be inspired by the ingredients that worked and still excite you. For example, with the Evil Eye Glove, I worked again with Kat Coyle who made the pattern for the Pussyhat, and I worked with Aurora Lady who did all the drawings for the Pussyhat manifesto. Kat made a new pattern for the Evil Eye Glove, and Aurora Lady did gorgeous drawings in less than 24 hours. I also reached out to the people behind the Pussyhat success – the knitters and women’s rights supporters across the land who knitted up a storm! - and asked them to get behind my sophomore project if it was something they believed in. They responded hugely! Check out the hashtag #evileyeglove on Instagram to see what I mean – a huge diversity of gloves. You can also check out the map of evil eye glove makers across the world on my website – people are making them in Maine and in Morocco, Boise and Bangkok, it’s phenomenal! And you can join in by making a custom commitment on the website and then making some super easy evil eye gloves solo or with your besties.
4. Don’t Rank Your Children – Connect with Them
Your creations are like your children, and you’ll probably have many in your life. Just like with real kids, don’t set them against each other in competition. Can you imagine having 2 adorable young daughters, dressing them alike, and doing a “Who Wore It Better” Poll on Instagram? So hurtful! So why do you do that with your projects? Instead of comparing and ranking your children, connect with them, find what makes them tick, what they love, where they thrive. And nurture them.
Whenever I compared the Pussyhat and the Evil Eye Glove, I got really freaked out and totally unproductive. But when I loved each project like my children, I got SO excited for them. They are sisters and they love each other, but they’re also different beings with different life plans. And that’s exciting! The Pussyhat is the sassy welcoming older sister who blares her personality out wherever she goes and creates community – she loves a good party! The Evil Eye Glove is the younger sister who is wry and mysterious, and chooses when to show herself, she is super expressive because she is on the hands (all the gestures the evil eye glove can make! For example, put out your hand in a “stop” gesture and with a slight bend, your hand is then in a gesture of blessings) – she is flexible and her goal is to be watchful and protective (the evil eye is ancient symbol of protection).
Try anthropomorphizing your projects into human beings that are your children. Describe their personalities. What they’re good at, how they like to have a good time. You’ll find that you are proud of them, and want to brainstorm ways for each of your projects to have a good time, each in their own way! Listen to each project and see what they need; just like with children, a younger project might not thrive with the same treatment of an older project, listen and find out!
Now, instead of chasing after One Big Thing (and then feeling tied down preserving and memorializing it), I think of my life’s work as One Big Happy Growing Family. Try thinking of your projects the same way. And remember, you’re the head of this One Big Happy Growing Family, so be sure to be kind to yourself along the way, Mama needs nurturing too! Good luck!
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Help! I'm Dating a Jerk!
Dear Armchair Psychologist,
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year. After spending some vacation time with him and realizing he is not treating me the way I like I'm wondering — what do I do? I need him to be kinder and softer to me but he says simply, "chivalry is not his thing." I believe when two people decide to be together they need to adjust to each other. I don't think or feel my boyfriend is adjusting to what's important to me. Should I try to explain to him what's important to me, accept him for what he is, or leave him as I'm just not happy and the little gestures are important to me?
- Loveless Woman
Dear Loveless Woman,I am saddened you aren't getting your needs met in your relationship. Intimacy and affection are important to sustain a healthy relationship. It's troubling that even though you have expressed your needs to your boyfriend that it's fallen on deaf ears. You need to explore, with a therapist, why you have sought out this type of relationship and why you have stayed in it, even when it's making you chronically unhappy? Your belief that couples should adjust to each other is correct to some degree. These things often include compromising and bending on things like who gets the bigger closet or where to go for dinner. However, it's a tall order to ask someone to change their personality and if your boyfriend is indeed a jerk, like you say, who refuses to acknowledge your love language or express kindness and softness, then maybe you should find a partner who will embrace you while being chivalrous.
- The Armchair Psychologist
Hi Armchair Psychologist,
Just wanted to let you know that your article was really offensive to read. Do you refer to women's genitals as: "gross," "ghasty," "smelly," or otherwise? Humans are not perfect, each of us is different and you should emphasize this. I hope that man finds a partner that will love and accept him rather than tearing him down. Which gender has a whole aisle devoted to their "special" hygiene needs? I can tell you it's not men.
Dear Male Reader,Thank you for your thoughtful feedback to my Armchair Psychologist column. My email response bounced so am writing you here. I am so sorry I offended you. It wasn't my intention. I actually meant to be sardonic and make the writer see how ridiculous she sounded for the harsh language she used to describe her date. I obviously failed at this sneer since you think I meant to be offensive. Many apologies. I'll do better. Have a wonderful day and keep writing us with your thoughts.
- Ubah, The Armchair Psychologist