This past weekend, I drove up to Michigan with a car full of women for a daylong spiritual retreat. My entire car was filled with female startup entrepreneurs.
During the drive, all five of us shared stories about our “war wounds”—bad business partners, bad press, bad exits, going broke, not raising enough money, failed technologies, gossip behind our backs—the lists were endless.
Because the simple truth is this: No one knows how to perfectly run a company, and no one talks about that.
And seeing as today is International Women’s Day, and we are celebrating ways to #BeBoldForChange, I found myself wanting to start a new conversation, like the honest, raw talk we had in the car. Because our boldness comes not from our wins as women and entrepreneurs, but from our losses…and our perseverance despite them.
Because, whether we like it or not, when it comes to media coverage and scrutiny for what women do and how we do it, we have a target on our backs. And it often says: Double Standard.
Let me give you an example.
We had an opportunity last week while launching the Fear Paradox, to make the exciting announcement that Sophia Amoruso was speaking at the event. At the same time, this WSJ article hit the media, putting a negative light on Sophia. Our publicist told us we should wait to let the media storm calm down before announcing Sophia, because that’s what we do, right? We wait for the scandal or negative attention to pass.
While I love my publicist and appreciated her pragmatism, it made my blood boil. This article ripped apart a company, NastyGal, that Sophia had taken years to build. Nowhere did it mention her infinite successes and the grit it took to get there; instead, it highlighted the toxic culture, the poor management and bad business decisions. Which made me irate.
The Bold Truth: There are various men-owned companies that have similar situations the media doesn’t harp on. Look what happened to American Apparel: It shut down its brick and mortars due to poor sales and had a male CEO accused of constantly sexually harassing its underage employees. Did it receive endless scrutiny? No. Take a look at Uber, which is currently being exposed for the sexual harassment issues internally (not to mention its multiple cases of drivers assaulting female riders). Its CEO just released a statement last week saying, “Sorry, I need to do a better job being a leader.” And then, the media moves on.
Being bold for change means changing that conversation. It’s about changing the narrative around our failures and deciding that the word “failure” is an asset in business, not a detriment. It seems we revere only the success story, not everything it took to get there.
I don’t know about you, but I know I would feel much safer and more excited to leap into the unknown and take risks knowing that other women—women we respect and admire—have been through the shitter too, only to have gotten back up and keep trucking in spite of criticism or setbacks.
That’s being bold. That’s being brave.
We have this idea that, to follow our passions, means to go after something singular. I want to be a businessperson, an entrepreneur, an artist, a musician, a writer! We put all our time and energy into this one thing, narrowing our scope to get there, when there are infinite avenues to get from point A to point B.
There’s no one way to succeed in business, or in life. So why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to land somewhere, instead of growing and changing and making mistakes?
Hear this, girlfriends:
Our first dream is not our last dream.
Our first idea is not our last idea.
Our first love is not our last. (Unless you married your high school sweetheart, in which case, that’s awesome.)
The next time you hear a huge success story or see someone get torn apart in the media, remember there’s a story you don’t know, a piece of the puzzle you haven’t heard.
Being bold really takes owning our stories—our entire stories—and using them to help empower those around us, as well as ourselves.
And we all have them. So let’s start telling those stories. Let’s start sharing those setbacks. Let’s take more risks. And fall harder. And celebrate the successes and failures. Let’s keep falling in love with what we do and realize there’s more than one way to complete the journey.
Above all else, let’s stay bold, even when we’re criticized, even when we’re scared.
Let’s keep the conversation real. It’s the boldest thing we can do.
Yes, there is a G-spot. Of course there's a G-spot.
There's always been a G-spot.
And while we're on the subject, it's not a spot. It's not a little button or dot. It's an area. While we're on the subject, we really should rename it all together. A man “discovered it." Uh, huh. And he named it after himself. Of course. But I digress. The point is, the G-spot very much exists.
How do I know? Because I've touched my share of them. I've touched them and stimulated them, and the women to whom those G-spots belonged had delicious orgasms from the said touching of them. Ask them. Go ahead. You don't have to believe me because the G-spot is not the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus or even God for that matter. It's not something to “believe in." It's something that exists because it's there and you can touch it.
As the author of two books on women's sexuality, “O Wow: Discovering Your Ultimate Orgasm" and “The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex," I have talked to hundreds of women; researched and spoken to the experts; and read, read, read everything I could get my hands on. I know the G-spot exists because it exists. That is how you know something exists. You do not however, deny the existence of something because, well, it's self-serving.
And in case you're thinking, “You've written some sex books and slept with some women. You're no doctor." You're right. But Juliana Morris, PhD, LMFT, LPC is. She's a credentialed therapist, academic, and a bona fide (s)expert, with decades of experience “counseling and supporting thousands of individuals and couples on their paths to discover and own their sexual agency."
Her thoughts on the G-Spot? “Yes, it exists. Better stated….every (biologically identified) woman has the potential for pleasure in an area within her vaginal cavity. That is how I describe it. An area of potential. I am confident it exists because of hundreds of interviews and work with women. Women who have experienced pleasure in an area within her 'accidently,' women who have made purposeful efforts to find pleasure in this area as a solo or partnered endeavor using specific techniques to maximize the potential of pleasure for her and hearing both groups describe the difference of pleasure from other orgasmic experiences."
The fact that some folks who have the audacity to call themselves “researchers" when they only had thirteen women in their study – THIRTEEN – decided there is no G-spot because they couldn't find one is idiocy. I have touched more than thirteen of them personally. Just all by myself, no research study – OR DOLLARS – required. Morris adds, “That study is inaccurate and is inherently flawed. In large part because of the belief that it functions like other pleasure organs. Mainly, however, because it is asking the wrong questions and using inadequate parameters to prove or disprove it."
I'll tell you what outranks that study by a zillion – reality. I have touched the G-spots of women I have loved, women I have hooked up with, and even women with whom I have taken Body Dodson's famed masturbation workshop Body Sex. Of course there's a G-spot. Don't be ridiculous.
This is just another chapter in the on-going saga of “men who don't want to learn about women's bodies or have women know about their own bodies so let's just call women frigid or broken or too complicated." We and our bodies are none of those things. Women who don't want to have sex aren't frigid. They are tired of showing up for an activity that feeds male pleasure and leaves them hanging because too many men have no idea how to work the equipment.
Women aren't broken. We don't have penises. We don't want or need penises. We have something WAY better. We have clitorises with 8,000 plus nerve endings and no other job other than to give us pleasure. And, no, our bodies aren't too complicated. All you have to do is ask. Believe me, if you care enough to ask, she'll be happy to tell you what rocks her world.
The thing is, men, who are in charge of the budgets and the research and the media and the message, get nothing for themselves – zero, zilch, nada – from teaching and promoting the truth about women's bodies and sexuality. Not to mention is that all men want to do is measure and quantify. No can do with the G-spot. But that doesn't matter one bit.
Morris explains, “I do believe the reason behind the quest to invalidate the G-spot area is heavily rooted in the misguided notion that a woman's pleasure experience cannot be measured or seen and thusly cannot exist. The antiquated medical and scientific views of research do not apply to the variance and contextual nuisances of womanhood and female pleasure. And that difference-from the male, medical model is threatening and challenging and for some in that world, easily dismissed. Or must be dismissed. Unexplained + variance +can't be seen/measure= bad, crazy, non-existent. And frankly…the scientific and medical world, especially male practitioners in general still exhibit a level of discomfort if not distaste for female pleasure."
On the other hand, straight men gain plenty from creating and feeding the myths. They can keep women feeling less-than and self-conscious and dirty and broken and thinking that they need a man, that they are lucky to even have one since they are so broken. Then men don't have to learn or put in any effort in the bedroom or anywhere else for that matter because they are, all puns intended, cock of the walk. Well, fuck that.
Listen up, ladies. There is nothing wrong with you. Not one damn thing. Your body and your clitoris and your vagina and your very much existing G-spot are all perfect and they are all yours. And while we're on the subject, you have every right to enjoy them on your own, with a partner, with many partners, within a loving relationship, just for fun, whatever.
Masturbate, make love, hook up, you do you. Literally. You don't need a man. You can want one. But you do not – I repeat, do not – in any way need a man for sexual pleasure. The penis is completely and totally unnecessary for female sexual pleasure. COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY. There are mouths and fingers and toys and even vegetables that are actually far better suited for the job.
Too much of this “there's no G-spot" nonsense comes from the fact that most folks don't even know the truth about the clitoris. That tiny little bud on the outside is the tip of the iceberg. The clitoris has long, internal legs. Think inverted wishbone.
Women have just as much – if not more – erectile tissue than men.
Women have just as much – if not more – erectile tissue than men. Women can experience gobs of pleasure when some penis isn't just using the vagina like some sort of masturbation sleeve, banging away until said penis is done. And – side note – when it's done it's done, unlike the mighty clitoris which requires zero recoup time. ZERO. Sure the G-stop is a relative of the clitoris. Regardless of who or what it's related to - it exists. Not every woman goes wild when her G-spot is stimulated. That is true. Not every women can identify her G-spot. That is true. But every woman does have a G-spot. You simply have be enough of a human being to care about women and their bodies and their pleasure to know that. People can tell you about Game of Thrones in minute detail but they don't know the difference between a vagina and a vulva. (The vagina is the internal canal. The vulva is the external bits.)
This is getting so idiotic. We don't need any more studies. We need people to start talking to and LISTENING to women. The very pussy owning humans themselves. Want to know the truth about women's bodies? Pay attention to the ones you are insanely lucky to be intimate with. This is all verifiable info. This is not some Lochness shit here. Come on.
Women need to know their bodies. Human need to know about women's bodies. “I think it is crucial for women to understand, deeply, the implications of our variance in anatomy and pleasure," says Morris. "Our variance needs to be acknowledged, understood, celebrated and validated. Our variance is indeed beautiful. Normal. Expected. No big deal. Some of our variance is rooted in evolutionary brilliance. Some of it is evolutionary irrelevance, and it just is. We all need a roadmap to examine our sexuality and pleasure and medical studies like this just distract us from the REAL research."
"That dream aside, pleasure is our birthright. We have the right to seek, enhance and experience pleasure. On our own terms and in our own way. Validating the existence for the potential for pleasure in this area is one area where women can choose to claim this collectively." -Juliana Morris
If you're a woman, grab a mirror and have a look. Masturbate, please. Insert your own fingers into your own vagina, curve it upwards, and two inches in, toward the front of your body, you will feel a patch of tissue with ridges on it. Play with it and it will expand. That's your G-spot. Insert a toy that vibrates to stimulate it. Insert the classic and most reliable toy on earth for masturbation, the Betty Dodson Barbell, and try out her Rock and Rock Method of masturbation. (You can thank me later.) And once you have done that, you will smack the face of anyone who tells you what body parts you don't have. And if someone argues with you, make a note to never, ever, ever have sex with them. Ever. And to those “researchers," get a real job. Women don't need anyone else telling us that we don't have body parts that we clearly do. We don't need anyone else chipping away at our self-esteem. We don't need any more sex shaming. And thirteen people? Really? Thirteen? Shame on you. You and your practices and your findings are ridiculous.
And to anyone who has the honor of engaging with a woman and her body, be respectful, pay attention, put your own pleasure on the back burner, remember that just because it feels good to you doesn't mean it does a damn thing for her, and for God's sake, listen – listen, listen, listen.
Yes, Virginia, there is a G-spot.